Waking up shouldn’t take six and a half hours.

Something that my Dad used to say to me when he was frustrated with my behavior is running through my mind today. “You know better than this. You knew what you needed to do. Why didn’t you do it?” All that I could do was shrug my shoulders. I didn’t know why I hadn’t done the obvious thing, so there was no explanation to give.

I feel that way now. The house is a mess. Buddy has tracked mud from our back “yard” all over the place. I could have swept. I didn’t. There are a ton of dishes to do. I could have washed them. I didn’t. I could have made more effort to finish up the four classes that I have remaining at MSU. I still can. But I haven’t. I could push myself at work to achieve something above and beyond the expected. I haven’t. I could force myself to write every day, to use up the ideas that constantly flow into my head. I haven’t. I could have already started to burn teaser CDs for PenguiCon. I haven’t.

Why? *shrug* There’s no reason. I preach that all it takes to improve the world around you is to put your ideas about it into motion. I have had all sorts of ideas about the house, about the back yard, the front yard, things I could do… and I haven’t done them. I haven’t picked up a rake or a piece of trash from our lawn (damn kids) or repaired the hose (sprung a leak, possibly from getting run over by a mower), or moved the hose to someplace where it doesn’t make the whole porch look crappy. I haven’t picked up any of ‘s pots or plastic planter things from last year. No matter how many times I’ve looked at how the grass is encroaching on the sidewalk, I’ve never made an effort to get or borrow an edger to take care of that. No matter how many times I’ve complained about how muddy the driveway is, I have made zero effort in getting gravel or broken up pieces of concrete or the old brick that is scattered all over, half-buried, in the back “yard.”

As I wake up more fully, there at Theio’s, with the caffeine, ibuprofin, and acetaminophen all working to get rid of the headache that I had from sleeping like crap, and I’m thinking that things might not be as bad as they sound. Is it important to know why the bad behavior, or pattern of behavior, exists in order to change it fundamentally? If I try the “fake it ’till I make it” technique, will I be treating the symptoms instead of the disease, or will I be eradicating the disease through forming a new set of behavioral patterns? Will I be able to stand not knowing?

Is there always a why? Is it laziness for me to stop looking for the reasons, cut to the chase, and try to modify the end result? Or is it laziness to allow the bad patterns to continue while I search for the cause(s)?

If I say that I need to force myself to do them, then I am working against myself. If I say that I need to change my behavior, then there is a clear and forward progression of items that are clearly recognizable and can be dealt with. If I say that I need to discover the cause of the bad behavior patterns, then there is a quest that must be embarked upon, discovery must happen, followed by revelation, and then employing the results of that revelation into day-to-day life.

Is there something obvious that I’m missing?

Horoscope

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): On the Internet’s Leonard Cohen Forum, Lizzy says she once thought that making “a joyful noise unto the Lord” was the highest expression of spiritual praise. Now she feels that *whispering* one’s appreciation for the majesty of creation is just as valid. Diane, going a step further, suggests that even silence can be a powerful form of homage–maybe even more so than raucous celebration. My opinion? I think Diane might be right when it comes to plants and animals, with which you can achieve easy telepathic communion. But when dealing with the divine works of art known as human beings, the best way to express praise is loud and clear. Your assignment in the coming week is to do that for everyone you care about. More than ever before, you need to dispense vociferous approval and articulate adoration.

Morbid and creepifyin’, I got no problem with.

This game has got me all excited, on top of the Penguicon goodness. says that she won’t be a WoW Widow, but she just might be an URU widow. Definitely going to have to regimen my time in this game.

It may also not help that I’ve just ordered Myst III: Exile for the PS2 from a brand new local, non-chain, used video game, movie, music, and comic book store. I think I’m in heaven. Two blocks away, and I’ve got Replay Entertainment Exchange. Strangely enough, I’d been in the shop before, when it was Capitol Tattoo. Going in and finding out that there are now live bands every Friday where I got my ink done was kind of surreal. Especially since Replay was burned and then flooded (twice) out of their building in Old Town.

I also picked up a VHS copy of the Batman Beyond movie for two bucks. Score!

Afterward, I went to Gone Wired to write a story. I did, too. It’s a short-short, and I succeeded in creeping myself out. One should not personify cancer, especially not accidentally while attempting to draw on unexpressed ideas that are sitting in one’s own mind. CREEPY.

Back to work for me. Luckily, I’ve got tea.

Horoscope

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): I’m betting on the imminent arrival of at least two of the following climaxes: (1) You’ll culminate a task or goal you’ve been working on for months. (2) You’ll remember an important intention you’d forgotten for a long time. (3) You’ll graduate from a crash course you’ve been taking since October 2006. (4) You’ll be reunited with a lost sheep or forsaken dream that’s ready for another chance.

Left to my thoughts.

I have become addicted to having an internet connection.

Here I sit, in Gone Wired Cafe. I’ve sipped my delicious coffee. I’ve eaten my taco plate and chicken noodle soup (surprisingly good combination). I’ve updated the rough draft of The Glass Crown with the stuff I wrote at the very end of November, but never typed up. And, I’m stuck, because the internet service here is down.

Later the same day:

At work now. Happy Birthday, !

On a related note, our license plate has been renewed. This year, the State of Michigan is forcing us to buy a new plate, as they’ve phased out the blue background, white lettered plate. So, the old-school one is hanging in my cube, and a temp is in our window until they mail us the new plate. I was pissing and moaning about it quite a bit, but I think I’ve got it out of my system. The Buddhists say that life is change, and change is suffering. I think that license plate suffering is pretty low on the scale.

This announcement went out yesterday on my writery Google Group:

I’ve got terribly exciting news that I’ve been bubbling over with for about a week. And now that it’s finalized, I’m letting all of you in on it.

Penguicon 5.0 – http://penguicon.org – will be held April 20-22 this year at the Troy Hilton hotel. It’s a linux/sci-fi/fantasy/anime/ everything convention that I’ve been going to (save for 3.0) since Neil Gaiman showed up at 2.0.

This year, I will be sitting on six panels, and will be doing a shared reading session with two other writers.

The possibility of a signing exists, and we’re going to do our best to get copies of The Remembrance on the tables in the dealers’ room. Also, we will be armed with badge ribbons galore, and have come up with a neat way to spread them around.

I’m extremely excited, and hope to see you there. :)

[White Wolf] Ishmael – There’s a new Sherrif in town.

Ishmael stood on the sidewalk and stared at the traffic light. Green, yellow, red. Green, yellow, red. The proper pattern. But something was wrong.

Cars streamed by, sparse at this hour and in this weather. Light from a few of the loft apartments in the old Motor Wheel factory streamed out onto the road behind him and across the street. A few flickering lights from Oak Park reached Ishmael, while he stood stock still and stared at the traffic lights.

Green, yellow, red. Green yellow, red. Green, yellow, red, blinking yellow. Midnight. Traffic was now officially thin enough to no longer require the more complex pattern of lights and behavior. At this hour of night, all that was needed was a simple pattern of caution and stop before you go. Still he stared at the scene above and ahead of him.

Ishmael tilted his head to the side, shifting his perspective ever so slightly. Cogs and gears ground, shifted, and churned in a slightly different layout. The light from a street light near the corner silhouetted a set of small cameras, each facing as if to measure traffic and detect whether the light needed to change. Those hadn’t been there yesterday. “This is bad.” The fingers of his right hand sought out and rubbed the cross pin on his shirt collar. Its strange warmth was always comforting to him.

Ishmael began his walk to one of his safe houses. After the attack on the club, the house owned by the pointy-eared war goddess wasn’t even close to safe. No, old patterns would serve him best in this situation. Moments ago, he had checked on the Beowulf cluster in the basement of the one-time-factory, one-time-warehouse, now loft building, and verified that it was in working order. Two NIC replacements and a rotation of IP addresses later, he had left by a completely different route than he had used to enter. He had come out the front door, after smiling warmly to an entering resident, and had come upon the changed street corner.

The last two weeks had seen a pattern that was unlikely to be disturbing to anyone but him. Warehouse after warehouse had reported missing electronic equipment. Radio Shack, Best Buy, Circuit City, CompUSA, and even Vertex had reported missing inventory. None had filed a single insurance claim. None could find any record of the stock ever having been in the places that were reporting the missing items. No serial number tracking, no delivery slips, no electronic or paper trail at all. Ishmael stuffed his right hand back into his pocket and frowned.

These “technocracy” people seemed as subtle as a bar full of rampaging Brujah. However, with how pervasive they seemed to be, it was likely that he had faced those members that were much like the brutal Clan. The rest might be like the Ventrue or the Tremere, and that was bad for everyone. Especially that wizard. Order of Hermes. Anyone who knew the Tremere had to be bad for continued existence.

This wasn’t their style. Neither the Illuminati of the wizards nor those Kindred that had been in Lansing in the past were subtle enough for something like this. None had encroached upon territory that had always been his. Ishmael used the key to open the deadbolt, entered the mediocre apartment, and closed the door behind him. He locked the door, and checked every window and set of blinds, moving in a clockwise circuit. Nothing had been disturbed.

Ishmael entered the master bedroom, which contained a milk crate serving for a stand for a used iMac. The plastic had “$45” written on it in permanent marker, followed by “No Hard Drive”. He plugged the power cord into the wall. He plugged an ethernet cable into the computer and into a new-looking jack in the wall.

The newest gimmick to lease crappy apartments – free high speed internet access.

He grinned and pressed the power button. After a “bong” and a few moments, a large question mark blinked on the screen. He nodded to the machine, as if he understood it, and went into the kitchen. He pulled out the silverware drawer (built-in slots for forks, spoons, and knives – how helfpul) and reached in. He pulled out a CD that had been taped to the underside of the counter, and headed back into the bedroom. He slid the CD into the slot-loading drive, and smiled again as a penguin appeared on the screen.

It took him hours to gather the information and sort it manually. With this kind of situation, he couldn’t trust his aggregation and sorting algorithms. This kind of subtlety was inherently designed to fool systems of that nature. No, this required a tilting of the head and hours of satisfying work. And, oh, did it pay off.

Cameras. Lenses. Coax cable, antenna wire, ethernet cable. Low light cameras, zooming cameras, DV cameras. Circuit boards, computer motherboards, resisters, capacitors, webcams, TV in and out cards… the “missing” equipment was nearly enough to set up a low-grade visual network that could spy effectively on an entire city the size of Lansing. Worse yet, most of the model numbers were unique, or at least inconsistent. Nearly impossible to trace, and each node in the network, each camera, each data-processing hub, everything… it would all be custom. Impossible to trace. On top of all of this, legislation had been shoved through City Council to install a network of camera-responsive lights, like they had in Detroit and its suburbs, at the major intersections of the city. The paperwork was all in perfect order, and had come upon absolutely zero resistance from anyone.

Brilliant.

But the patterns, oh God in heaven, the patterns. Ishmael set the keyboard on the floor. The growth patterns from each central hub were altered by geography, but once that factor was removed, each pattern was a synthetic version of a biological growth curve. An artificial attempt at organic growth. It was breathtaking. It was beautiful. It was the most dangerous thing that Ishmael had ever seen.

Someone in the city was as good as he was; had skills that rivaled his own. It was possible, even likely, that his recent activity had drawn this challenger. No! Conflict only ended one life, and let the other live. Conflict solved nothing! A quiet stirring of rage from deep within Ishmael made him stop and think. Old patterns would serve him best.

Lay low. Do not allow contact. Do not contact anyone. Let the danger pass. After all, as long as no one thought he was a danger, no one would spend the effort to end his life. And without that, he would live forever.

Lay low. Let the danger pass.

Is it politics when I really care about our country?

Regarding the subject of this post, I would answer no. I, perhaps with a measure of vanity, would say that it is patriotism. More on that subject at the end of the post.

Saturday evening, , , and I will be at Luna in Royal Oak, MI. You should totally join us. :)

Lately, I’ve been watching the show, with zefrank. Its provided a daily dose of the surreal, up until the last few entries. Those… the most recent have moved me. Really hit me hard. I don’t think they would have if I had not been watching, perhaps even being one of the Sports Racers, for the last month and a half or two months. If this is the result of combining television and the world wide web (don’t you dare call it the internet), I have more hope than ever.

Good Things are happening with Penguicon 5.0. Stay tuned for more info, because I’ll be blathering my head off about it as soon as things are confirmed.

Since the summer after my 11th grade year, I’ve been working with computers professionally. Every single one of these jobs has revolved around getting the computer to do what the user wants it to do, whether the error was the user’s (PEBKAC), or the computer’s. My defining professional role has been to fix technology that is not functioning properly. The irony that a “curse” has developed around me getting rides in cars (about a week after the first time you give me a ride, the car ends up in the shop for something serious that was developing anyway, but suddenly kersploded) and that I very rarely own a computer for longer than a year and a half is not lost on me. In fact, the irony has been in the forefront of my mind for a little while.

Ironies seem to find the first few rows of my brainmeats to be comfortable, as they are there more often than not.

Technology is. When we say that a computer is being ornery, or contrary, or whatever, it’s because technology has a way. It has a pattern. Perhaps even a Tao (for those not in the know, that means way with a capital W). Pieces of technology are similar to people in this way, but their Way is not ours. Their Way is governed by whatever laws govern shoving a shit-ton of electrons through tiny silicon tubes and between silicon and plastic wafers, or when you use the pressure of thousands of contained fires to get from Lansing, MI to Davis, CA. Science is pretty darn good at predicting and channeling this Way, this behavioral pattern, this pattern of essence. But, like all human endeavors, it’s not perfect. It breaks.

And that is our Way.

Dear Senator Lieberman,

Fifteen months ago, in an op-ed in the Wall Street Journal praising the Bush Administration’s Iraq policy, you asked the rhetorical question, “does America have a good plan for doing this, a strategy for victory in Iraq?”

“Yes,” we did, you answered.

Since the day you wrote those words, over 1,000 more American troops have lost their lives in Iraq and that country is more dangerous than ever.

Senator, you had it exactly wrong then, and this week, in another Wall Street Journal op-ed entitled “The Choice on Iraq,” you have managed to get it exactly wrong yet again.

“As the battle for Baghdad just gets underway,” you write in this week’s piece, congressional opponents of the escalation “have already made up their minds about America’s cause in Iraq.”

On the contrary, Senator, it was you and President Bush who had already made up your minds before the war started, using cherry-picked intelligence to sell the war to the American people. And if the battle for Baghdad is “just getting underway,” how do we explain the escalating violence over the last four years?

You claim that “a precipitous pullout would leave a gaping security vacuum in its wake.”

Actually, Senator, it was the precipitous invasion that you supported, along with its disastrous aftermath, which left the security vacuum that exists today – a vacuum which the terrorists, insurgents, and militias have all rushed to fill.

You plead for elected officials to “come together around a constructive legislative agenda for our security.”

Senator, we have already done this. The result was the bipartisan (remember that word?) Baker-Hamilton report which called for a redeployment of our troops over twelve months, plus aggressive diplomacy, as our best hope to bring stability to the region. The report’s conclusions were widely accepted by a strong majority of Democrats and Republicans, and then promptly disregarded by you, the President, and all those who had “already made up their minds,” the facts be damned.

You worry that Washington is removed “from what is actually happening in Iraq.”

Senator, Generals Abizaid and Casey were on the ground in Iraq and opposed the escalation. They recommended a phased redeployment of our combat troops. But rather than listen to them and redeploy the troops, President Bush redeployed his generals, and escalated the war.

On November 8th of last year, while voters across the country were giving Democrats a mandate to change course on Iraq, you were able to muddy the real “Choice on Iraq” for the voters of Connecticut. They thought they were choosing between two candidates who anticipated “significant” troop reductions by the end of the year, who both wanted “to bring our troops home.”

Senator, one of us still believes in those words we spoke during the campaign.

The American people and our military experts have already made their “Choice on Iraq” quite clear. It is now up to all of our elected representatives to follow their lead.

Sincerely,

Ned Lamont

I agree with this. If you can discuss your opinion rationally, and back it up with citations, I am open to discussion.