Last night, I threw my untied knot into a bonfire.<\/p>\n
It followed a rectangle of denim with the words “Te Amo” sewed into it.<\/p>\n
One of my circles of friends… some of my chosen family… cheered me on.<\/p>\n
Today, my parents were coming through town while I was just waking up. I turned down lunch, as I thought Nikki would be making me breakfast. Nope, I had promised her Fleetwood’s famous hippie hash. While getting our food, I ran into my father-in-law, and then (separately, but at the same restaurant) Jody, my mother-in-law. Also, her best friend, who was last in the country to commemorate my grandmother-in-law’s death. I chatted for a bit, and then zipped out of there, as my food and I had already taken quite some time to be united.<\/p>\n
Both interactions shocked me, for some reason. Both unsettled me, and triggered my flight instinct. I wanted to run and hide, though I did stay and chat with the in-laws. Something about all of this made me want to hide my face, or feel ashamed, even though I’ve done nothing wrong<\/span>. How do I relate to Bill now? How do I relate to Jody? To Brandy? To John? To my own parents? To my brother?<\/p>\n How do I look them in the eye when they’re up here for my brithday? How do I feel, and express that I’m feeling, that I haven’t failed? Which, of course, I haven’t<\/span>.<\/p>\n Of course, writing projects are flourishing, deadlines are being assigned (who thought I’d cheer for deadlines?), and I love my day job. I am in my apartment, I’m not second-guessing whether or not I’ll be there for the semi-long-term, and I dig the place. I’m even mulling over painting. Which, knowing me, will happen three weeks before I move out.<\/p>\n It’s been days since I’ve had the copy of the marriage license. I haven’t filled out the test run of the paperwork yet. Granted, it’s small-scale avoidance, but it’s still there. So, right now, I’m going to go and do that. And I have Nikki backing me up, which makes it somehow… less daunting.<\/p>\n Still scary as hell.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Last night, I threw my untied knot into a bonfire. It followed a rectangle of denim with the words “Te Amo” sewed into it. One of my circles of friends… some of my chosen family… cheered me on. Today, my … Continue reading