I may share more than I usually do here. If you’re not interested in spirituality (specifically neo-Paganism), or are only interested in your own, I’d advise skipping this one.

In the past year, I’ve come to terms – mostly – with being associated with Chaos Magic. People who have known me a long time, as well as people who have only known me recently, seem to have a “well, duh!” moment. I’m never the one to make the claim. I still don’t know enough about it yet to be able to say something like that. I have a book or three to read, and people to ask.

I’ve had hints and leanings and bludgeoning that have pointed toward the Feri tradition. I’ve read Fifty Years in the Feri Tradition, but it felt like half of a conversation. I don’t know what the book’s author was responding to, and I don’t really want to know. I’ve read some websites, and the tradition seems to be as varied and diverse as I was told. Most of what I’ve seen makes me want to break it apart from the inside. There are a few gems of “Yes, that resonates, exactly!” Though I’ve been in San Francisco, the birthplace of the tradition, I’ve yet to run into any of its practitioners that I know of. I’m loathe to ask to meet a friend of a friend. It seems to me that a chance meeting would be far more meaningful.

My anti-anxiety medication has changed things a bit. The energies that were nearly always present are now at least an arm’s reach away. Things that were like flexing a muscle before now require intent and effort. I feel a bit less like a force of nature and more like an expression of that force.

I realize how vague, cryptic, and confusing this must be, and I apologize. Perhaps writing about my spirituality will come more easily to me over time.