My middle name is Michael.

My dad’s first name is Michael.

Michael (or the root of the name) is the name of one of the Archangels.

The one with the flaming sword.

The one that slew the Dragon.

I feel like I have both feet on the ground, and have a stable foundation, but have a chaotic, roiling cloud in the middle.

‘Splain?

Hrm.

Well, like the observations I’ve made about myself, and conclusions I’ve come to, have given me access to a lot of stability within myself that I was looking for externally.

But, no matter how much stability is in me, there’s change too… and especially with the time of year, there’s big change…

Oh, you should have seen the clouds this morning. Low-hanging, some so dark as to be bruises on the sky. Slow and sluggish, they denied the force of the wind that was whipping my canvas-type trench coat around my legs and body. I felt that, and my hair try to escape its tie, and couldn’t help but smile and laugh. The wind had a cold bite, the storm clouds could bring either thunder and lightning or snow.

And I was on time for work today.

This is my time of year. All day long it feels like dusk. This is my time. I can feel them in the sky, under the pavement and the earth, in the Red Cedar, even in the flame of a lighter. This is mine. Last year, I felt like the ordeal I went through was a test. I passed. I felt promoted, like from a soldier to an officer. This is. It was about the same time my good friend gave me an extra wallet chain that he didn’t need. It was interspersed with metallic skulls. I added it to my trench coat. Cord of office, you could say, considering who it was that promoted me. This.

Every year, around this time, I feel like I could make a hole. Make a hole, and tear it wide open. Let the chaos and the surrealism overwhelm those that aren’t built to handle it. Let the jungle of the real begin. How would you react if a hobbit came out of an alley, smoking a cigarette, and flicked you off? How would you feel, looking up, and seeing dragons, scales interspersed with circuitry, mating in a thunderstorm? How would you feel, going to an apartment complex, and seeing two gryphons guarding someone they valued deeply? How would you feel if you heard chanting, and then in a blink of an eye, had to bear the full glory of four archangels driving out all that wasn’t sacred from that space? How would you feel, if god or jesus showed up at night when you prayed? Would you be able to bear it, if this was reality? Would your mind and soul bear the onslaught?

What fun!

If I were to go back to my high-school self, and say, “Dude, you’re going to be hit on, wanted because your brain and body are dead sexy to quite a few women, (good looking women to boot!) and will actually stress about which path to take with which woman,” I think my high school self would call me a moron. That is, after he stopped laughing his fool head off.

I am so glad that I know who I am right now. Back then, I had no idea. I spent most of my college life trying to figure that out. Who I am will shift, and change, but I am sure of myself as an individual and an entity. It’s really something that lets me sit down and laugh at the world like a crazy old man.

A week from today, I think I’m going to ask Them about my goal. I’ve never done that before. My life experience would tell me that it’s not whether or not I end up a grandfather, just take those bits of what I envision of BEING a grandfather, and make them part of me. I think I kind of already have. He already calls me Grandpa Skippy half of the time.

Draconis and Tiamat, guide me.

Pleeb is down.

So I can post this here, and wonder how many people are trying to view my regular journal and can’t.

I’m contemplating emotion-free physical relationships. Truth be told, I’ve had three attempts at such a thing.

One involved two meetings between myself and my best friend’s girlfriend. Of course, they had both been nagging me to sleep with her for four months, and I finally decided to try it when the nagging let up. We had a good time both times (though I was plenty nervous the first time), and were much more comfortable around each other the second. It was intended to be a one- or two-time thing, so no feelings were hurt when it didn’t happen again. Somehow, I think I expected to be closer to her. That never happened. I mean, we were physically closer, obviously. But emotionally and spiritually, nothing changed. I was disappointed in the fact that that kind of sharing could happen, and those kinds of walls could still exist.

I was saddened that sex could be so full in the moment, so physically gratifying, and the aftermath could be so cold.

The second involved a woman that was moving out of state. We had gotten together once before, and the only reason nothing much had happened was because I had forgotten protection, like a dunce. Anyway, when we finally did get together, I was very into the fact that this was just sex. This was a one-night encounter that would most likely never happen again, and that was how I wanted it. The spark that exists in women I fall for emotionally wasn’t in this woman. And then, as we were getting into it, she said “I want to date a Dave.” She wanted a relationship, and she was moving out of state. Ties. Emotions. This did not do wonders for my mood. She told me she had the best time that she had had in seven years. I didn’t get off.

I was frustrated that a moment entirely created for physical pleasure could be so completely obliterated by emotion.

The third… ahh, the third. The third lasted for months. Hell, I’m not sure that the third is over, as I have what seems to be an open invitation. However, this did not remain emotion-free. This is and has been a wonderful time of sensual and sexual pleasure. This has also been a time of stress, value evaluation, and strain. At one point, my emotions snuck up behind me and almost, almost pulled me into a situation that I was not ready for.

I was surprised at how easily I was able to disguise the fact that the situation I was in was bad for all involved.

Luckily, in my recent absence, those involved have dealt with many of the issues that turned that situation into a bad one. I am debating partaking in this physical relationship again soon. I almost feel like I’m running from a rejection to the safe bosom of a known partner.

Only, I haven’t been rejected. I’m not running to a place, because I cannot stay there. I am there to visit, and then, most likely, rarely.

Now to the current issue, I contemplate the possibility of adding another purely physical relationship to this list. This is a person I know that I could have emotion for. This is a person whom I began to develop emotion for. What I question is my ability to separate emotion from the situation. I have done it successfully in the past. When we decided to be friends, because I wanted a relationship, and she was not ready for that kind of commitment, she was saddened that I drew the line where I did physically. I’m contemplating moving that line. I wonder, can I separate enough to not mind her dating other people? Can I get physically involved again without getting emotionally involved? Can I be friends with benefits with her?

And better yet, why does this matter to me so greatly? Am I panicking, grasping for at least some level of connection with her?

There. Now it’s in words. I wonder if there’s an answer.

Addendum: It figures that as soon as I post, I get new tidbits of information that change everything.