Pleeb is down.
So I can post this here, and wonder how many people are trying to view my regular journal and can’t.
I’m contemplating emotion-free physical relationships. Truth be told, I’ve had three attempts at such a thing.
One involved two meetings between myself and my best friend’s girlfriend. Of course, they had both been nagging me to sleep with her for four months, and I finally decided to try it when the nagging let up. We had a good time both times (though I was plenty nervous the first time), and were much more comfortable around each other the second. It was intended to be a one- or two-time thing, so no feelings were hurt when it didn’t happen again. Somehow, I think I expected to be closer to her. That never happened. I mean, we were physically closer, obviously. But emotionally and spiritually, nothing changed. I was disappointed in the fact that that kind of sharing could happen, and those kinds of walls could still exist.
I was saddened that sex could be so full in the moment, so physically gratifying, and the aftermath could be so cold.
The second involved a woman that was moving out of state. We had gotten together once before, and the only reason nothing much had happened was because I had forgotten protection, like a dunce. Anyway, when we finally did get together, I was very into the fact that this was just sex. This was a one-night encounter that would most likely never happen again, and that was how I wanted it. The spark that exists in women I fall for emotionally wasn’t in this woman. And then, as we were getting into it, she said “I want to date a Dave.” She wanted a relationship, and she was moving out of state. Ties. Emotions. This did not do wonders for my mood. She told me she had the best time that she had had in seven years. I didn’t get off.
I was frustrated that a moment entirely created for physical pleasure could be so completely obliterated by emotion.
The third… ahh, the third. The third lasted for months. Hell, I’m not sure that the third is over, as I have what seems to be an open invitation. However, this did not remain emotion-free. This is and has been a wonderful time of sensual and sexual pleasure. This has also been a time of stress, value evaluation, and strain. At one point, my emotions snuck up behind me and almost, almost pulled me into a situation that I was not ready for.
I was surprised at how easily I was able to disguise the fact that the situation I was in was bad for all involved.
Luckily, in my recent absence, those involved have dealt with many of the issues that turned that situation into a bad one. I am debating partaking in this physical relationship again soon. I almost feel like I’m running from a rejection to the safe bosom of a known partner.
Only, I haven’t been rejected. I’m not running to a place, because I cannot stay there. I am there to visit, and then, most likely, rarely.
Now to the current issue, I contemplate the possibility of adding another purely physical relationship to this list. This is a person I know that I could have emotion for. This is a person whom I began to develop emotion for. What I question is my ability to separate emotion from the situation. I have done it successfully in the past. When we decided to be friends, because I wanted a relationship, and she was not ready for that kind of commitment, she was saddened that I drew the line where I did physically. I’m contemplating moving that line. I wonder, can I separate enough to not mind her dating other people? Can I get physically involved again without getting emotionally involved? Can I be friends with benefits with her?
And better yet, why does this matter to me so greatly? Am I panicking, grasping for at least some level of connection with her?
There. Now it’s in words. I wonder if there’s an answer.
Addendum: It figures that as soon as I post, I get new tidbits of information that change everything.
