Horoscope

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): “You may enjoy this movie if you shut down enough brain cells. I turned off all except the ones needed to remember where I parked my car.” This observation comes from a critic’s evaluation of the first Charlie’s Angels film, but I’ve read similar comments in many other reviews. Indeed, it’s an approach that many intelligent people employ routinely in response to *all* the loud, shiny garbage our culture foists on us. What about you, Taurus? Do you assume you have to make yourself dumber in order to have fun? Has the blaring inanity of the world caused you to shut down your smart sensitivity? If so, work hard to reverse this trend in the coming week. You’ll receive help from unexpected sources if you do.

Horoscope

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): A long-distance runner I know prepares for his competitions in a way that seems counterintuitive. For his next race, a 38-mile marathon in August, he has been running five miles a day four times a week. He will never actually practice a 38-mile jaunt in one stretch. This approach has never failed him in preparing for previous races. Like him, Taurus, you will soon be called on to pull off a marathon version of a task you’ve been doing on a smaller scale. By my astrological reckoning, you’ll have all the stamina and savvy you need to succeed.

Horoscope

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): I don’t see physical danger in your immediate future, Taurus, but you may be exposed to higher levels of psychic toxins than usual. Therefore, I suggest that you erect a protective barrier to shield yourself. Visualize a force field of violet light surrounding you everywhere you go. To add a touch of humor — which will dramatically bolster your defenses, by the way — imagine that the force field is augmented by rainbow-colored barbed wire, boomerang-wielding amazon warriors, and a gang of wisecracking dragons.

Horoscope

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Karvina, a town in the Czech Republic, has passed a law making it illegal to grow weeds. Offenders can be forced to pay a hefty fine if the Weeds Commission finds, say, a thistle flourishing amidst the potato plants. I’m tempted to enforce an equally stringent requirement on you Tauruses, at least for the next two weeks. For your own long-term good, as well as everyone else’s, you cannot afford to be lax towards interlopers, whether they’re actual or metaphorical weeds. Maintain the highest standards, please. Commit yourself with passionate integrity to incorruptible purity.

Horoscope

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): I predict that in the next seven days you will receive exactly 22 email advertisements offering to increase your penis size and 22 email ads to increase your breast size. Although you may be inclined to dismiss this as a boring inconvenience, I believe it will be an excellent cosmic omen that confirms what the astrological configurations reveal: a sign that you’re primed to express both masculine and feminine qualities in a more intense and yet balanced way. I suppose this possibility may repulse you if you identify yourself as a macho male or a girlie girl. But for most of you, capitalizing on this opportunity will make you smarter and sexier.