The Count’s Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

It started with a simple affection for counting and the terror it induced in others, didn’t it? But now it’s turned into a full-blown life-consuming chaotic nightmare of order, repetition, zealousness, and perfectionism. You used to be so grand, but now you find yourself obsessively worrying over the littlest things–like, maybe if you don’t check the light switch at least once every two minutes, the electricity will go out (and damnit, you’re a vampire–that shouldn’t be a problem!), or maybe if you don’t wash your hands until your seams are coming out, you’ll get some fatal disease. Get yourself some treatment.

Which Sesame Street Muppet’s Dark Secret Are You?
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Anger. You deal with your depression using anger…
lashing out at everyone and anyone, even your
friends. Well, fuck you too.

How do you deal with your depression?
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You are a two-winged Guardian Angel!
Wandering the realms of the mortals you often bear
the form of a mere human. It is your task to
guard your charge against the perils of the
shadows. You are good-natured and friendly,
trusted by everyone, helpful and kind. But
when in danger you show a fierce protective
side that often surprises your adversarys.

What kind of supernatural being are you?
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You are Morpheus, one of the leaders of the
Resistance. And suffice to say, you are one
bad-ass mofo. You can kick the One’s ass, you
can break through walls, and you can somehow
survive truth serum and torture. My hats off
to you!
Charismatic and a great leader, you can inspire
your peers to attempt the impossible, and make
it possible.
Packing a katana in the sequel, you should be
seeing pleeenty of action!

“You take the blue pill, the story ends, you
wake up in your bed and believe whatever you
want to believe. You take the red pill, you
stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the
rabbit hole goes…”

What Character From The Matrix Are You?
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TAURUS (April 20-May 20): If you’re a carpenter, this is a perfect astrological moment to get that 115-piece titanium-covered drill bit set you’ve had your eyes on. If you’re a potter, it’s prime time to get a state-of-the-art ceramic saw. If you’re a political activist gearing up for a new direct-mail campaign against corporate corruption, you might consider buying the “Utne Reader’s” mailing list. And if you’re none of the above, Taurus, I suggest you acquire whatever tool will help you rise to the next level of professionalism in your chosen field.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Ancient Hawaiians had a sport they called “Lele Kawa,” in which they dived off cliffs into the ocean. “Pu’u Keka’a,” a tall volcanic cinder cone in West Maui, was a perfect place from which to jump, but everyone avoided it. Legend held it was a taboo place: “the leaping place of the soul,” where the souls of the recently dead left the earth and ascended into the spirit world. But that all changed one day in the 19th century when a great warrior, Chief Kahekili, climbed to the top of Pu’u Keka’a and plunged into the sea, shattering the taboo and mutating the myth. Since then, hundreds of other divers have tried it. By my reckoning, Taurus, you now have the courage and daring to make a comparable shift in the way things have always been done in your sphere. Ready to shatter a taboo and mutate a myth?

Which Sluggy Freelance Character Are You?

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TAURUS (April 20-May 20): The self-help book *Women Who Love Too Much* deals with a theme that has gotten a lot of play in the past 15 years: If you’re too generous to someone who doesn’t appreciate it and at the expense of your own needs, you make yourself sick. An alternative perspective comes from French philosopher Blaise Pascal, who said, “When one does not love too much, one does not love enough.” He was primarily addressing psychologically healthy saints, but it’s a good ideal for the rest of us to keep in mind. This week, Taurus, your assignment is to explore the middle ground between the extremes represented by those two positions. Experiment and ruminate until you discern what amount of giving is just right for you.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Before the 1820s, the mosquito was unknown in Hawaii. But when whaling ships from distant lands began visiting, they brought hordes of the annoying creatures as stowaways in their water casks. I suggest you keep this scenario in mind in the coming week, Taurus; let it serve as a warning beacon. According to my astrological assessment, the new world you have recently begun to inhabit resembles a paradise without mosquitoes. You may have to take special measures to keep it that way, like prohibiting whaling ships from dropping anchor in your harbor — or the metaphorical equivalent.