TAURUS (April 20-May 20): The ancient Egyptian creator god Ptah was regarded as a miracle worker, though sometimes he used unconventional means to accomplish his amazing feats. For example, legend held that he defeated a legion of Assyrian marauders with an army of rats. Waiting till the enemy soldiers were asleep, Ptah sent the rats into their camp to gnaw through their bowstrings and shield handles, rendering them defenseless. Can you imagine a way in which you might draw inspiration from the Egyptian god’s methods, Taurus? How could you win a great victory by summoning the help of an influence you usually regard as a pest?

. You are the king of smooth — enough said. Take the What Pulp Fiction Character Are You? quiz.

Yoinked from .

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Life is a bitch and then you die. The more you suffer, the more you learn. If you can’t dazzle them with your brilliance, baffle them with your bullshit. If all else fails, manipulate the data. APRIL FOOL! Everything I just said was a dirty lie. I was testing to see how trusting you are of “experts” like me — and how susceptible you are to letting your mood be manipulated by stuff you read in the newspaper. The fact is, Taurus, you can no longer afford to absorb the pathological delusions about reality that are spread by the mass media. I recommend that you go on a fast from TV, radio, films, videos, newspapers, magazines and the Internet for 96 hours. By the end of that time, you will have begun to sense the *real* truth: that life is a benevolent conspiracy designed to bring you blessings and make you really smart.

You are a Dragon! Oh, but not the big fat European
version… Oh no no no you’re a creature of
style and taste. You love the exotic foods of
other places and have a special place on your
pallete for arsenic, and bird’s nest soup. You
are the symbol of royalty, good luck, and
enlightenment. Hey, if you’re good enough, you
could even become a deity!

What Japanese Creature are you?
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Yoinked from and .

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): One of your reliable tools isn’t broken yet, but I advise you to fix it before it is. A power failure will occur soon unless you take steps to prevent a system overload. The monster in your closet is still safely asleep, which is why I urge you to call in an exorcist or exterminator now, before it wakes up. Are you catching my drift, Taurus? Because you’ve been smart and lucky enough to tune in to this horoscope, you have all the forewarning you need to prevent a crisis.

Pondering….you can’t seem to keep your mind on
immediate issues….hey does the light really
turn off?

What JTHM moment are you?
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Yoinked from .

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Want to stay sane and healthy in the coming weeks? Then get up-close and personal with the animal that rules your sign. It won’t be enough merely to gaze at images of bulls, though that would be good for starters. But if I’m reading the astrological omens correctly, you need to be in the actual presence of a robust, full-grown bull. To commune with his primal energy will be strong medicine. It’ll awaken in you instinctual powers that have gone to sleep, and will galvanize you for the mysterious challenges ahead. Feel like going in search of a pasture where your teacher is waiting?

You are a Crotch Monkey. You are a very naughty,
vile thing. You are very tiny and cause a
distracting and unsanitary itch. You seem to
favor musicians with attitudes, at least from
what we’ve seen, because they are always
grabbing themselves, like Justin here.

What’s YOUR Inner Monkey?
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