TAURUS (April 20-May 20): The astrological factors coming to bear on you right now are uproarious yet profound; they’re mischievous, intense, and catalytic. In alignment with this spirit, I’ve composed your horoscope by channeling appropriate bumper sticker slogans. Repeat the following affirmations frequently, Taurus, or print them on pieces of paper and tape them to your back.

“Don’t follow me; I’m following my bliss.”
“I’m not tense — just terribly, terribly alert.”
“I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.”
“I’m talking to myself — please don’t eavesdrop.”
“Don’t worry — it only seems kinky the first time.”
“Warning: I have an Attitude and I know how to use it.”