Something that my Dad used to say to me when he was frustrated with my behavior is running through my mind today. “You know better than this. You knew what you needed to do. Why didn’t you do it?” All that I could do was shrug my shoulders. I didn’t know why I hadn’t done the obvious thing, so there was no explanation to give.

I feel that way now. The house is a mess. Buddy has tracked mud from our back “yard” all over the place. I could have swept. I didn’t. There are a ton of dishes to do. I could have washed them. I didn’t. I could have made more effort to finish up the four classes that I have remaining at MSU. I still can. But I haven’t. I could push myself at work to achieve something above and beyond the expected. I haven’t. I could force myself to write every day, to use up the ideas that constantly flow into my head. I haven’t. I could have already started to burn teaser CDs for PenguiCon. I haven’t.

Why? *shrug* There’s no reason. I preach that all it takes to improve the world around you is to put your ideas about it into motion. I have had all sorts of ideas about the house, about the back yard, the front yard, things I could do… and I haven’t done them. I haven’t picked up a rake or a piece of trash from our lawn (damn kids) or repaired the hose (sprung a leak, possibly from getting run over by a mower), or moved the hose to someplace where it doesn’t make the whole porch look crappy. I haven’t picked up any of ‘s pots or plastic planter things from last year. No matter how many times I’ve looked at how the grass is encroaching on the sidewalk, I’ve never made an effort to get or borrow an edger to take care of that. No matter how many times I’ve complained about how muddy the driveway is, I have made zero effort in getting gravel or broken up pieces of concrete or the old brick that is scattered all over, half-buried, in the back “yard.”

…

As I wake up more fully, there at Theio’s, with the caffeine, ibuprofin, and acetaminophen all working to get rid of the headache that I had from sleeping like crap, and I’m thinking that things might not be as bad as they sound. Is it important to know why the bad behavior, or pattern of behavior, exists in order to change it fundamentally? If I try the “fake it ’till I make it” technique, will I be treating the symptoms instead of the disease, or will I be eradicating the disease through forming a new set of behavioral patterns? Will I be able to stand not knowing?

Is there always a why? Is it laziness for me to stop looking for the reasons, cut to the chase, and try to modify the end result? Or is it laziness to allow the bad patterns to continue while I search for the cause(s)?

…

If I say that I need to force myself to do them, then I am working against myself. If I say that I need to change my behavior, then there is a clear and forward progression of items that are clearly recognizable and can be dealt with. If I say that I need to discover the cause of the bad behavior patterns, then there is a quest that must be embarked upon, discovery must happen, followed by revelation, and then employing the results of that revelation into day-to-day life.

Is there something obvious that I’m missing?