Quickest way to feel a little less bad about being a jerk – stumble upon someone who is FAR more annoying than you. Dear gods, his valley girl voice is getting through my noise-canceling headphones! Volume UP!

I even frustrate myself sometimes with how the method in which I wake up can shadow my whole day. Thanks to working second shift, I usually go to bed around 3 or 3:30 in the morning, and wake up between 11 and noon. This is pretty much my natural sleep schedule. Phone was vibrating from 8 AM to 10 AM, when I finally acknowledged that yes, someone called, and no, I didn’t want to listen to the voice mail right now. This completely negated any good I did by going to bed early last night (around 1:30), and put me in the mindset of just wanting to sleep. Then, from 10:30 to 10:45, I was woken up three times by the dog whining and yipping out the window at someone or something that he really wanted to go and meet. He has no concept of whining softly. NONE. So, there was yelling at the dog (and the associated guilt) and then rolling over and going back to sleep. And then he went crazy again, because was back from her trip to hang out with . I decided that it was time to get up.

And then I destroyed her good mood. She had bought me shirts. In the hazy frustration, anger, and petulant irritation, my mind tried to tell me that she was trying to dress me. I knew, and know, that this is not the case. She bought three shirts, all of which I like. The reality of the situation is that she’s paid attention to what I like well enough to shop for me, which is something that she likes to do, and I do not. And she accidentally bought them all one size too small. Instead of taking that as a compliment (She thinks I’m thinner than I am! Cool!), I let the mind weasels have some air time (I am going to look terrible in those, unless I walk around all day sucking in my gut).

I showered. I took my pills. I brushed my teeth. My mood slightly improved. She started cleaning the living room, and I packed up and wrapped an auction item. And then the passive-aggressive bile that lives in a bad place in me spewed forth with reckless abandon. Instead of thanking her for doing some cleaning, I shared my opinion that you could never really fully clean a house that old. I tried shutting my yapper and took the trash out. I couldn’t keep it closed for long, because she was cleaning the bookshelves now. We found the extra copies of my novel from the last signing (it’s a good thing that there are only two), and I was switching music for her. Then, my OCD ridiculousness about books being stacked on top of books on shelves, and CDs doing the same thing twinged me, and I did not keep my mouth shut. And then I bitched that she kept buying stuff, when we are trying to get rid of extra stuff.

That was the end of her patience. Really, it should have cut me off long before then. I realized that I was being passive-aggressive, and I came here, to Gone Wired.

Yeah, I screwed up. I was mean. I undermined all of the positive stuff that she was trying to accomplish. I was the person that I can’t stand in others. This is not an apology. I’ll do that in person. This is a warning to myself, primarily, that I need to keep fighting against being that guy.