I thought that I was done with that last one. I’ve been sitting here, chatting, and realized that there’s more roiling around down there. In the tempest, if you’ll allow me the pretension.
The night that we came to the big impasse, and the word divorce was first said with a sense of finality, she went out driving. I let her go. When she left, I started to shudder, and tears overwhelmed me, and I started to sob. Really sob, like can’t-control-your-limbs sobbing. Like when you’re twelve and get turned down by that girl you like, or when you realize that you’ve thought for a long time that your wife doesn’t really care about you.
I stopped it. It was too much pain, and I REFUSED to admit that this was done. I decided that sleep would be less painful (red flag) and I went upstairs to go to bed. I got to the top of the stairs, my dog looking at me with those “gimme pettin‘” eyes, because he knew that I needed comforting. He’s just lucky that he gets to express love by getting it. I started to break down again. All of the cheese phrases about hugging yourself, about feeling yourself break deep down, about abandonment, about the cold depth of being alone… they’re easier to dismiss when they’re cheese.
It sucks ass when they’re true. When they’re real. It took me a bit, but I recovered, and went to bed. I lost myself to sleep and dreams, and I woke up feeling better. It was another day, I was in bed, and only mildly disturbed that she hadn’t come up to bed that night.
I got myself around, went through my pattern (patterns are so comfortable and reassuring), and didn’t get shocked out of it until I saw her ring finger. Empty.
It was so quick. Did she doubt? Did she just toss them away like they were worthless? Do they carry chains and cuffs instead of love? We designed them, they’re unique. Both hers and mine.
Did she pause, like I did, and stare at them, wondering what the shit was going on? Did she ask herself how she got there? Did she regret? There’s too much wall to know for sure, and it’s no longer my place to ask.
You are owed answers. You have the right to ask. You two choose to start a marriage, take vows. This is one of the unwritten rights you have here.
She may not understand an answer yet, but you have the right to ask.
And if she is looking here, I am not here to judge you or Dave. It is your lives here, not mine. Your vows links your life to his and you owe him support, maybe not love in the end, but support for understanding. Same to you, Dave. Blessed be to your paths of life, wherever the road leads.