I felt pangs of loneliness for the first time when I crawled into bed last night. They were overwhelming. They felt far more permanent than they could ever be, and thus I felt hopeless.
Depression had snuck up on me while I was watching a Eureka episode on DVD. I crawled into bed, assumed the fetal position, and wanted nothing more than someone to hold me.
There are those that have been flirting with me. Or, I’ve grossly misinterpreted standard conversation for advances. I’m fairly certain that it’s been flirting, though. Anyway, the physical comfort that might come from another’s touch is… extremely appealing, though obviously dangerous. With all of the emotional storming that’s going on inside of me, typical rebound problems are very likely. This, of course, is ignoring the fact that I’m still married. There are a lot of knots yet to be untied, and no paperwork has been filed. I’m not about to cheat on my wife.
I knew that this was coming, but I don’t think that there was a way to steel myself against it.
I’m not disagreeing with your personal feelings on what is and is not cheating, but I will say that I had just this conversation with a friend about her experiences with dating someone who was going through a divorce.
Ultimately, the point was moot because children were involved and he wanted to wait until all paperwork was done so as not to put his custody at risk. However, his soon-to-be ex had moved out and into the apartment of another man. Where does the marriage lie, in the heart or in the hand?
In other words, if and when both people decide a relationship is over, do the eyes of the court matter? I’m not saying you’re at that point, but if there comes a time when you are, consider that untying the ropes is far different from legal proceedings.
It may be healthier at that point to take solace where you can (with the understanding of where you are coming from, of course).
Having a relationship end when you weren’t ready for it to be over is painful and leaves you with the lonely feelings you so aptly described here. As you know, I do understand that feeling all too well from my own divorce two years ago. And yet there is the feeling that things are complicated enough without bringing another new variable, a new person, into the equation, even if the marriage is truly over. It can be done, but it will by necessity make the process more complex, and not just from your own perspective. Even if one’s ex-to-be (speaking generally here) wants their freedom and/or the divorce, they are still affected when they see the person they have left behind moving on with their life.
Now, does that mean that the divorce being final will magically transform that process of healing? Well, it does have major significance as a symbol, just as the marriage license did. But if that symbol is not backed with active intent and actions, it loses its meaning.
So I’m with Scott on this – where does marriage lie, in the heart or in the hand? Don’t let the lack of finalized divorce papers keep you from starting to heal and enjoy the company of someone new, because they are but a symbol.
If, however, you have your own personal reasons that make you feel as though enjoying that company would be counterproductive to your healing process, you have to respect yourself in that regard too. Just don’t be surprised if you evolve and have different feelings about it in a week, in a month, etc. Your perspective will change over time and you ultimately need to give yourself permission to find your happy. :)
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