I haven’t felt attacked until tonight.
“Everyone else knew I wasn’t happy, and I didn’t shield you from it. I haven’t been happy with almost anything in our relationship for a year or more. It’s not news, but every time I tried to talk to you about it, you’d give me the same answers, and we’d go absolutely no where. If we’d listened to mom a year ago, and gotten into couples counseling, we might have saved it. At this point, I don’t even want to save it.”
My memory of an entire year is wrong? Our rebound from the rough patch? I was completely mistaken about that? When she said that things were better? When she acted as if things were better? I remember wrong? Why do I feel so deceived that I want to throw up? Why does this feel like yet another in a long string?
I don’t even remember her mom suggesting couples’ counseling. I am incensed. Enraged. Barely in control of myself.
I took everything that she’s said at face value. I have trusted the words that have come from her mouth. She does not give me the same benefit. She cannot stop herself from thinking that I am judging her or implying things that I am not. She takes offense, and lashes out at me in return.
She is certainly making it easy for me to move to California.
In my experience, some folks just don’t know how to leave a relationship without some kind of rationalization or justification that helps them feel like they are ready to move on – not just for their own benefit, but for that of others, because their plan is to move into a new relationship quickly. Or, they already have. It’s like they can’t just say “I don’t place the value on this relationship that I once did, I’m sorry but I am not willing to put the effort into it any longer.” Instead, they have to find faults in the relationship so that when they are asked about it, they can offer up an excuse that gives them some credibility as a partner. Even if they claim partial responsibility, it is usually done as an attempt to portray responsibility than actually accepting it, if that makes any sense? I am trying to find the right words to encapsulate what I’m trying to convey here. Maybe the attitude is best described as “I’m still a desirable partner and can be trusted despite the fact I’m getting divorced.” It’s a self-preservation tactic that comes out of fear of being perceived as the villain in a situation.
It seems like in this specific case, she has additional identity struggles going on, and so that’s mixing into all of the above described stuff. I know that you have a major emotional investment in her and the marriage, but I really do think it is best that you are taking this opportunity in California. I think that as the guy in Harold and Kumar said, the universe tends to unfold as it should, and this is why you are moving out there. Who knows what lies ahead in your life? It is full of promise and dreams you haven’t even thought of yet. She has to explore her identity on her own, you can’t be dragged along for the rollercoaster ride. Please trust me on that – I tried to hang on in my last marriage for too long and I only got thrown from the car while coming down a hill, fast. While your intent may be noble, that is not the nature of this situation, and you only stand to damage your own psyche along the way. It seems like you already realize that but I figure hearing it as a reinforcement can’t hurt, either. :)
You are going through two huge life changes right now. I can’t wait to see how your happiness multiplies and the amazing and creative things you will accomplish as you get through it all, because I know that will happen. Even if it doesn’t seem like it right now, trust the process. You will find your happy. :)