*sigh* I have been avoiding writing posts for this blog, I think.

I did not want to live in California. I do not want that. It didn’t take me long, once I was out there, to figure it out. I woke up from what felt like a years-long sleep, and knew that I wanted to come back to Michigan. And so, I’m back.

And I’m going back to the city that I built my life in. I’m going back to the city in which she and her family live. I’m not going back to my old job, so I won’t have daily interaction, but I am going back there. Because I want to live there. I want to write there. I want to be there.

So I’m going to. I have a job. I have a better job than when I left. I’m trying to find an apartment. And I’m moving on from the marriage. From the relationship. I’m stripping away layers of self-programming that were needed to live with her, and to be with her. I’m breaking down walls that I’ve set up to protect myself. And once again, my friends are helping me out.

I now know that I would not go back to her, if she asked. I’m done.

For six months, I was convinced that she and I would not work out as a couple. I was adamant that we would remain only friends. Eventually, I said that she had the qualities of the person I’d always said I wanted to be with long term, and compared to the women I’d been chasing, she did. So I decided to try and date her, to see how things went. Somewhere between that October 31, and the next one, when I proposed, I decided that I loved her. I don’t know that I ever fell in love with her, and I am beginning to suspect that I convinced myself I was in love with her, so that I would be safe from the crazy of what I’d been chasing.

Safe from the crazy. You heard me right.

The love wasn’t any less real for its beginnings. It was true, and the loss of its return is still painful. But to go back to her would make me miserable, and I’m no longer willing to accept that.

There were a lot of steps taken to get here, and so this may not be as coherent as I’d like. After some serious prodding, I’ve decided to resume posting here, and maybe after more posts come out of my brainmeats, this entry will make more sense. As always, feel free to comment.