Jody has the dog. I dropped him off last night. I’ve explained my reasons so many times in person, and some of them in here, and I honestly don’t want to hash over them again. Some think that I’m making a grave mistake by being alone in my apartment, and I can respect that opinion. I do not agree with it, and I think that this is the best option for me and for him.
It still tore me up to leave him there.
I’ve been an emotional wreck for the last few days anyway *shakes fist at Pay it Forward*, so this added to it.
Every day, I am surprised at how strange and how difficult it is to adjust to being on my own again. To being a sole unit, instead of a part of a duo. I also realize another bad habit that I’d adopted so that I could survive as her husband, and I pick at it and pick at it, and then let it be. It will fall away, eventually, if it’s not needed any more.
I’ve been spending a lot of time around kids, lately. I’ve found myself reminding them to shut the door, or pick up what they left sitting around, or whatever. I’ve also found myself doing the “ohmygoddon’tdie” panic when they have fallen off of a couch or smashed into each other, or whatever. Typical paternal concern.
Me.
The fact that I’ve even got it in me surprises the hell out of me. Being comfortable around kids? Me? Being concerned for their welfare? Is this some long-forgotten piece of me from when my biggest dream in life was to be a grandfather? Is this some sort of panicky grab for closeness now that the immensity of the ALONE is bearing down on me in full force? Why, then, has it come upon me gradually, as I’ve slowly spent time with these children?
You know, it doesn’t matter. I will spend my time how I enjoy spending it. If it’s starting tickle-fights with my friends’ children, then that’s how it will be.
Recognizing the parts of yourself you sacrificed or suppressed in order to keep a partner happy after things are done with them is a huge part of healing, I think. I can really understand where you are coming from with the parental feelings, too.
I grew up in a religion that told me I should not have kids because they would limit my ability to spend time finding converts. My first husband was a part of that religion and was not a parental type to boot. I left that religion and ended up with my second husband, who was a man-child himself, and not at all suitable as a husband, much less a father. His disdain for children rubbed off on me during the time we were together, but it was also likely a self-protection mechanism on my part to insure I never got pregnant with him, because I recognized how awful it would have been to raise children with him.
And now…I essentially have a step-son. We aren’t married, but we are committed and living together, and consider ourselves a family. And I am finding all kinds of parental stuff inside myself I’ve never had the opportunity to discover before now. And it’s wonderful. :)
To me, knowing that we have grown enough to see these things in ourselves is a positive sign that we have done the right thing in terms of our choice of partners. Right now you are single, but that doesn’t have to be, nor does it seem like it would be a permanent thing. And when you do find a new partner, I suspect you will be more choosy about what you will and will not accept.
You are healing. It’s a good thing. :)
Don’t do the tickle fights with the children unless you want the kiddie hiv. By which I mean the “you get to be bubba’s bitch for the next 5 to 10”. Unless its for the goddess of course, as that makes it okay.