I am afraid of telling the people that I love what I want.
It only seems to really be with those I’m in a relationship with, or my blood family. It hits me the most when I feel guilty about having done something wrong, whether or not I have. I suppress my wants to fulfill the wants that are set before me by those mentioned above. The really bad part of this? I get frustrated and annoyed and irritated with it later.
This is not new. This behavior has been with me in my marriage, and in relationships before that. This is a cyclic behavior that, over time, amplifies irritation and frustration beyond a reasonable level, and I’m doing it to myself. This needs to stop.
Even when I give myself a chance to breathe, I expect to have to defend myself verbally from those that I care about. I expect agression and attacks. Admittedly, my choices in friends and romantic interests have definitely lead toward those who have a sharp wit, and aren’t afraid to exercise it. But, over the years, my ability to differentiate between sharp wit/banter that’s friendly and biting attacks has approached zero.
Yes, it’s a logarithm. I used to be good at math, so sue me. :)
I’m at the point that I must remind myself that there is no reason to defend myself; I’m not being attacked. It no longer follows, in my head, that just because someone loves me, that they will not verbally attack me. With my memory the way it is, I have to wonder if I’ve ever been secure in that during my adult life. My relatives, sure, my friends, yeah, but the person I’m in love with? Why defend from the one you’re in love with? Why not be able to show the vulnerable side?
Am I that much a slave to my past experiences in love? Have I been hurt so many times, over and over again, that the instinct to protect myself from hurt looms taller than anything else?
And here I thought I had learned from my past, and had been exempt from repeating it. Clearly, this is not the case.
I’ve got another chance, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let the past prevent me from having a future.
“I suppress my wants to fulfill the wants that are set before me by those mentioned above. The really bad part of this? I get frustrated and annoyed and irritated with it later.”
Hi, I’m Trase and I’m also a co-dependent enabler with tendencies toward rescuing, although, I’ve been in recovery for some years now. ;)
One of the things we need to keep mindful of is that conflict is not necessarily a bad thing. Trying to ignore or bury a conflict by neglecting or denying ourselves is *always* a bad idea, though, and not sustainable in the long run. You and I have had conversations about this and our patterns in past relationships. It takes a very conscious effort to identify and change this behavior in ourselves, but it’s a constant effort and we aren’t always going to succeed. Trying to reprogram ourselves is never easy. But it’s worth doing and the fact that you are recognizing it in yourself means you are in that process. :)
So, keep up the work, try to identify old baggage and let the airlines lose it for ya! ;)