A full-time job. I wanted a reason to not do all of the extra chores that I picked up when I got fired. I wanted a reason to bury myself in my headphones and shut everything else away. Of course, the reality is that with the both of us being full-time students, neither of us would have time to study by ourselves – we’d have to be watching the kids at the same time.

When I am depressed, I want to shut everything out. I want to be alone, be left alone, and float in the silence. Every noise, every phone ring, everybody who wants my attention irritates me more than the last, because they’re pulling me farther and farther away from where I want to be. It’s not a reasonable or rational desire, and that makes it impossible to express or explain without mountains of guilt.

I guess that my desire to work, even in a full-time job with a steady paycheck and insurance, isn’t as family-centered as it may have started out. It has selfish motivations as well – it gets me away. That explains why working from home was so attractive while I had an office job – it got me away from my co-workers. Or would have, had it ever happened. The idea that being left alone at home would be impossible had never crossed my mind.