TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Who or what will rescue you, Taurus? A divine intervention, perhaps? A sympathetic friend who totally understands you? A teacher who knows exactly what you need at this turning point? I suspect the answer is none of the above. Don’t worry, though, because a brave hero *is* on the way, primed to provide you with an exit, a solution, and a cure. And who is this great deliverer? For a clue, I give you this poem by Simeon Samuel Frug: “No savior from without can come/ To those that live and are enslaved./ Their own messiah they must be,/ And play the savior and the saved.”

You are burning

What Self-Mutilation Are You?
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TAURUS (April 20-May 20): The astrological factors coming to bear on you right now are uproarious yet profound; they’re mischievous, intense, and catalytic. In alignment with this spirit, I’ve composed your horoscope by channeling appropriate bumper sticker slogans. Repeat the following affirmations frequently, Taurus, or print them on pieces of paper and tape them to your back.

“Don’t follow me; I’m following my bliss.”
“I’m not tense — just terribly, terribly alert.”
“I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.”
“I’m talking to myself — please don’t eavesdrop.”
“Don’t worry — it only seems kinky the first time.”
“Warning: I have an Attitude and I know how to use it.”