How does that line from Mallrats go? “…and how they only concern themselves with peers and company that effect their noble goals and pursuits…” It’s something like that. Needless to say, (then why am I saying it?) there are those among my friends that do not fit in this category. There are those that I hang out with, have concern for, and devote time to that don’t really deserve it. I’m repaid for my efforts with lies, drama, and frustration. Finally, I find myself asking the same question that has been asking for a while.

Why?

How many times have I told that I’d come and spend time with her in Detroit? Nate, Cheryl, , , Mike, and in Ann Arbor? in Cleveland? Hell, Eric and Scott Thom in the same damn city… why? And now is moving from Royal Oak to Washington, D.C. I keep saying that I’m going to be a frequent traveler on Greyhound and Amtrak. What’s been the hold up?

I’ll tell you what. Instead of spending time taking care of those things that would allow me to see the ones I miss, I’ve been spending it with people that don’t deserve it. Spending energy on drama and bullshit instead of being a good friend to good people. I know good people that love and miss me. Why am I pissing life away on those that see me as a means to an end?

My wife is too brilliant for her own good. ;)

And, of course, to those of you who read this and are worried that I’m talking about you… ask me. I give you my word that I will be honest and straightforward with you.

Crap. USB jumpdrive status: missing. Hopefully at home. Currently biting nails. Writing and work timesheet and log are all on it.

Edit:
Possible places:

• Home
• Bessey Hall
• Wells Hall

Bessey is where the leather trench coat was lost to oblivion.

Related to will, and I had a discussion about conformity. Job, house, picket fence. We talked about levels of conformity by choice, and intelligent, informed, conformity. We argued over whether the last had the traditionally negative connotations associated with conforming.

She was right that any form of conformity still holds the negative associations of conforming. It is what it is, no matter how much thought went into it, and no matter how many other options were considered. The choice was made, and the path was taken.

I still hold that intelligent, researched, and considered conformity is far better than numbly following the herd, and I don’t think would disagree (though I’m not entirely sure). I also shouldn’t take her assertion and pointing out of my conformity as an insult. It was simply an observation. It raises a plethora of implications about how I think of myself, how I deal with the systems all around me, and the actions that I take daily in my life.

Not to mention complacency.

I’ve been pushing people. They have complained, and still complain, and the solution is so obvious to me. If those who complain would re-direct that energy to write (*snort*) right the wrong or fill the gap, the wrong would be righted and the gap would be filled. Those around me have more than enough brains, wits, and willpower to pull these things off. The resources exist, and are available with minimal effort.

Then there is my role to play. I am a catalyst by nature. If they didn’t need my influence to push them forward, why are they near me? Why do they orbit me if I am not to influence their orbit? Of course, this ignores what they want. Complete disregard for their autonomous will. It is my frustration-driven attempt to spur along intentionally that causes the issue. The key to this is that I am a catalyst naturally. I don’t have to expend energy or enact my own will for this, it simply is. And, as in other things in my life, adding purposeful intent just borks things all to hell.

Continual lesson in letting go and learning to simply live.

When I left Theio’s two nights ago, I told and and that I had heavy thoughts running through my head, and I needed a walk. The walk helped. Signs and notices – portends from both the spiritual and the secular – plague me, but not because I’m seeking to ignore them. This time, I can take them for the warnings that they are.

Serenity is a phenomenal work of cinema. There is no… the action doesn’t detract from the plot, the plot is important enough to make the characters’ struggles worthwhile, and key background information is learned about the setting’s history. All this, and Mr. Whedon doesn’t shy away from killing off main characters. I am still in shock over Wash’s death. He would kill the one character that everyone related me to. “I am a leaf on the wind.” A leaf on the wind is dying, floating to the earth to decompose.

You could tell, in the theater, which of us hadn’t seen it yet. When he died, nobody expected it. Definitely not an easily-called plot twist. Gasps and startled shouts came from little spots all over.

Guard dogs, indeed.