TAURUS (April 20-May 20): One of my favorite obscure holidays is International Moment of Frustration Scream Day. Observed every October 12, it’s meant to release pent-up tension resulting from the gap between what we have and what we think we want. Given the fact that your gap is particularly gaping right now, you Tauruses would especially benefit from throwing yourself into this fierce enjoyment with all your angst unfurled. The holiday’s founders, Thomas and Ruth Roy, suggest that everyone should go outside sometime during the day and yell for 30 seconds. I hope the sound of you bellowing Bulls will be heard around the world.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): My investigation of recent Taurean behavior reveals that you have committed two spankable offenses. I will not, however, authorize any enforcers to turn you over their knees and apply their palms forcefully to your buttocks — not yet, anyway. First I want to give you a chance to atone, by filling in the gaps in your understanding and ripening the attitudes that led to your deviation from the righteous path. Or would you prefer to avoid the hard work of making amends and instead just accept a spanking?