This morning, there’s a fog in my mind
could be a lot of things
can’t seem to find my way through it
no lights to speak of.

Today, there’s a dull ache floating behind my eyes
the aspirin refuses to kick in
wonder why I don’t feel bad for making myself
retarded last night.

Now, there’s fewer questions in my mind
at least the ones that I can see
that should lift weight off my shoulders
but I crave a fix.

Last night, the Game returned to me
I should feel terrified and angry
I only feel sad and resigned
I hate winning sometimes.

Welcome home, bitterness.
Welcome home, sadness.
Welcome home, loneliness.
Welcome home, spite.

Now, I am more than I ever was before
I am more aware of myself
My boundaries are pushed, my limits re-defined
I am reborn once again.

Soon, those that include me in their world
will notice and question
Why do you sneer at the world
Why do you snap at us so often?

When they ask, I will answer with honesty
I am disappointed again
I feel shallow, hollow, and flat.
I feel cold inside.

Me too.
Over and over again
How much of me in you
How much of you in me

I can never remember
the faces
Voices are always clear
Smells take me through time
I see your face clearly.

I attempt to get close
and you shrink away
frightened?
Uncomfortable?

I’ve done the same
didn’t even notice until
they told me.
Do you notice?
Should I tell you?

I must add a note
I would never
take advantage
even if I desired you
above all
my offer for you
to shower
was simply an offer
to be clean.

Fitful sleep brings waking dreams.
Dreams of what I think I want.
Love for all of life.
Intimacy unbound.

An actress I know, and wish to know.
A role I need filled in my movie.
Who am I to cast?
Who am I to direct?

My mind hurts from predicting scenes.
My jaw hurts from clenching teeth.
I want the role filled.
I need a companion.

But I must wait. Go with the flow.
Don’t push too hard. But don’t wait too long.
I must have balance.
I must have calm.