TAURUS (April 20-May 20): There are no longer enough Catholic priests in North America to fulfill all the requests for divine intervention that are received from parishioners. The requests are therefore outsourced to churches in India, where up-and-coming young clergy pray over them at $5 a pop. It’s too bad the powers-that-be apparently don’t know about me and my team of Prayer Warriors, because we perform the same service absolutely free. To demonstrate our effectiveness, we plan to unleash a series of powerful prayers on your behalf. Specifically, we will beseech God to bless you in the coming weeks with cathartic pleasures that will permanently expand your capacity for happiness.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): A few years back, the commissioners of Kleberg County, Texas retired the salutation “hello” because they said it contained the offensive term “hell.” In its place, they made “heaven-o” the official county greeting. That’s borderline lunatic, if you ask me, and yet I understand the principle. In fact, I recommend that you initiate some adjustments in your own language, Taurus. As much as possible, you should stop using words that make you feel bad, confused, or weak. Replace them with fresh terms that make you feel optimistic and empowered. Of course, this is good advice for everyone all the time, but it’s especially apt for you right now. The astrological omens suggest you have a special capacity for changing deep-seated habits that sap your energy, especially those involving the way you speak.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): To hint at the potentials of the coming week, I’ll appropriate the words of avant-garde music composer and author, John Cage. In describing his work, he once said, “I have nothing to say/ and I am saying it/ and that is poetry.” Here’s an altered version, Taurus, created especially to suit your current astrological needs: You have nothing to do/ and you are doing it/ and that’s your genius.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Since 1977, 40 percent of U.S. elementary schools have done away with recess. Meanwhile, among adults at work, the time allotted to lunch is steadily shrinking. Executives spend an average of just 42 minutes with their midday meals. This dangerous trend hits you Tauruses the hardest: You need spaciousness. You shouldn’t and can’t be rushed to do *anything.* That’s why I’m calling on all Bulls to launch a Mass Slowdown in the coming week. Take all the time you need to do whatever has to be done, whether it’s enjoying your sandwich or preparing an important report. From an astrological perspective, it’s a pivotal moment for you to be faithful to your own internal rhythms. If anyone complains, tell them your astrologer made you do it.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): It’s a perfect time to reinvent the past. You’ll unearth interesting discoveries if you explore the old days with a critical, objective eye. Look for discrepancies between how you remember things and what really happened. Consider the possibility that some of your memories aren’t really your own, but other people’s interpretations that you’ve unconsciously absorbed. By August 15, I hope you’ll be ready to correct the story you tell yourself about your history.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): I took a long, meandering walk today. After an hour, I found myself in an unfamiliar neighborhood on a wide paved road. In the middle of a long straight stretch there were two street signs next to each other. The one on the right — the direction from which I had come — said “Split Drive.” The one on the left — where I was headed — said “Union Avenue.” There was no intersection here and no bend in the road to mark the change — no apparent distinction at all between Split and Union. Now study all the details I just reported, Taurus. They’re symbols for your life in the coming week.

The meme that’s taken over my friends list this morning:

“If you and I were alone in a room right now, what would we be doing?”

Now post this in YOUR LJ, and see what people wanna do with you.