TAURUS (April 20-May 20): There are no longer enough Catholic priests in North America to fulfill all the requests for divine intervention that are received from parishioners. The requests are therefore outsourced to churches in India, where up-and-coming young clergy pray over them at $5 a pop. It’s too bad the powers-that-be apparently don’t know about me and my team of Prayer Warriors, because we perform the same service absolutely free. To demonstrate our effectiveness, we plan to unleash a series of powerful prayers on your behalf. Specifically, we will beseech God to bless you in the coming weeks with cathartic pleasures that will permanently expand your capacity for happiness.