[White Wolf] Phil’s Journal

This was written after the 28 May 2005 game.

I am unable to express the relief that’s come from finally being free of the Quiet.  The madness that had been slowly growing since my time in Lansing is terrifying to me now, as it must have always been to those who looked up to me.  I am finally secure in my past and able to move on.

The phrase that repeats over and over in my mind is “Move forward, not backward, and not sideways.”  Mei Ling may be right in her guesses that a spirit has done me some great favor in rearranging the Tellurian so that my mind could be set to rest.  Her grandmother may be right that the Quiet may have damaged my memory in a significant way.  Any of these may be truth.  They all may be truth.  The truth of the past is not the truth that I am bound and determined to protect.  Unlike other Dreamspeakers, The truth that I must watch over is that of the future.

I will pause, for just a moment, to speak of the past.  I only do this because it is important to Mei Ling.  She disappeared from Berkley in California about 3 and a half months ago.  Apparently, she has knowledge of Spirit and Time that her ordeal has closed off to her.  Her avatar has accused her of trying to quash it.  If she believed that the umbral realm that made up her “past” was real, that quashing may have been required to keep her alive.  I do wonder why I, or a reflection of me, was there, in her umbral dream, but for once this curiosity does not rule me.

I worry for her.  My feelings are beyond any memory or Quiet.  Returning to California with her grandmother may be best for her, but I am still incredibly jealous of this male stripper apprentice of hers.  Apparently, they dated, and she guided him through his awakening.  Midas says that this experience, feeling the jealousy, is good.  I don’t disagree with him.  Ah, the rollercoaster of dating an Ecstatic.  If he can show her that her identity doesn’t stand on her past as its only foundation, then I will thank him.

That said, I once again look forward.  I once again think about teaching.  The simple and miraculous act of being there for someone, of nudging them in the right direction, of showing them the glories of the Umbra and of their own spirit, this is what I think of.  I will follow both Mei Ling and Will’s leads.  There is a neo-pagan group on U of M’s campus, and I intend to attend their meeting this week, and begin a search for those with minds open to all spirits, natural and tech.  I think that this would be a step forward.

If my old apprentice lives, and are paths are to cross, the spirits will bring her to me again.  I do miss her.  I think that of all people that I may have hurt unintentionally in my Quiet, she was the first.  But I move forward.

The Archmage Hermetic (what is his name, anyway?) has lost it for good.  It seems that he has had his lucid moments, but had never discovered the death of his wife during one of these.  Harry, after discussing ways to repair or re-make the ward, let on that she had died.  Not only that, but that Victor had been present.  I’m not sure if he got that last bit from Harry or Mei Ling.  God damn, but that girl has steel ovaries.  He totally flipped out, summoning Victor and his wife, and then set his Horizon realm on fire.

The good news is that the church node can be re-opened, and its trigger is the Life sphere.  Not only that, but the old ward can be re-asserted, or we can create a new one.  Those who do re-create it can pick and choose who may enter and who may not.  If Ann Arbor is to become a haven for mages, as Midas wants, this may be the only way.  It’s either that or we all learn to defend ourselves from all other suprnaturals, and to guard the Labyrinth from any Nephandi that may enter.

I hope that the ritual for re-creating the ward exists somewhere besides in the Archmage’s head.

Raven has challenged me to a contest of riddles.  I must best him, and solve his riddles, before he will re-teach me the art of opening the doorways in the gauntlet.  His riddles are incredibly complex, and he has guessed all of mine up to this point.  I am lucky that he has patience.  I am stuck puzzling out a five-minute long beast about shadow and light.  I have a feeling that the shadow and light represent the Umbra and the physical worlds, but there is a key in the riddle that will bring sense to it.  I will meditate on the answer in between work, visiting the young neo-pagans, and spending time with The House.

I hope that Mei Ling returns from California soon, so we can spend time together again.  Geh.  Roller coaster.

Nero was hanging around outside the house.  He left me a note.  Terry spoke to him.  I wonder if I should ask The House if it is okay for him to come in.  I feel wary, and I don’t know how much I can trust him.  Though I suppose that the Fae on campus must feel the same way about me.  “Thanks for all the books.”

I need to get an internet connection inside the house.  I wonder how Vinnie and Backspace connected.  I wonder if any of their equipment is still around the house.

[White Wolf] Phil’s Journal

This was written after the 15 May 2005 game and the 18 May 2005 downtime session.

I’ve been filled with pity for myself since I left my apartment, went to my friend’s funeral, and found out he’d gone Nephandus.  It wasn’t mourning, like I told Midas.  It was pity.

Once again, I turn to a pen and these sheets of paper.  My need for organizing my thoughts is more pervasive than I’d thought.  Okay, breathe in, breathe out.  Re-visit old topics, add new info and discoveries, then move on.

– The ley lines, the sigil, the ritual, and the ward.

Harry is still translating.  We may figure this out on our own before Harry finishes translating.  This isn’t a slight against Harry; I’m sure French is a bitch.  Re-erecting the ward may now be a moot point.  The new Deacons have decided to be a safe haven in the newly-dangerous Ann Arbor.  Of course, this decision is made just before I find out why the damn thing is failing.

To my knowledge, the ward was designed to feed from three nodes in Ann Arbor.  (So many for such a small area.)  The node inside of The House, the node in the Chorister’s church, and the node on U of M’s campus.  (Go green!  Go white!)  As far as I know, the shutdown of the church’s node is common knowledge.  So, there goes 1/3 of the power.  Apparently, even with 2/3 power, the ward should still be kickin’.

Am I the first one to wonder about the batshit Hermetic’s little Horizon Realm?  Its entrance is opened from the node room.  Every artificially-created umbral realm must be fed quintessence, or it will collapse upon itself.  With the church node asleep and the Horizon realm sucking power from The House’s node, no wonder the damn ward is failing.

I have yet to figure out how old Ulysses is.  However, I did find out that the ward has existed for one century, not two.  This makes the math more plausible.

Victor.  Mei Ling took it upon herself to speak with the construct, and we learned a bit about the Chorister because of it.  She took her own life in shutting down the node.  She prayed, she died, and the church became quiet.  Apparently, there is something about the building that mutes Victor’s “smell” of us reality deviants.  I think that if there is any hope for the Chorister’s ghost, the node in the church, or for the church itself, it lies in Kevin and his Templar buddies.  Yeah, I’m surprised to hear me say that, too.  I’ve yet to find out what Rory or Backspace knew about Victor, and I’m beginning to wonder if I should even pursue it.

– The vampires.

For creatures of stasis, they don’t sit around much.  The one that took Nero has been contacted by those from Grand Rapids.  He’s not exactly been leaving us alone.  Now that I’ve stepped down from being Deacon, there is a much less friendly atmosphere in The House when it comes to blood-suckers.  Both Harry and Midas are pushed by Terry’s convictions, and they are pushed to violence.

I have to admit, since Cole has already stepped down as “Prince” in Grand Rapids, his promise of protection seems to carry little weight, if any.  The new “Prince” is the one who delivered the ring to us, and while that should calm me, I feel more uneasy than ever before.

Kevin and his aforementioned Templar buddies are in Lansing to fight the Lasombra and their vampire cult.  After having seen them in action – just a little – my mind is eased about my old house.

– The ring.

We gave the ring to Senor Guano.  The deal is over and done with, but it doesn’t feel that way.  After finding out about the change in power in Grand Rapids and that Duncan was the one to pledge a lifetime of servitude, it feels far from over.

What the hell happened to Vinnie?  Did he take off with Backspace when he found out about Rory’s death?  Why am I getting paychecks from his company?

– Wife?

Oh, god.  I don’t want to hurt anybody.

For the first time in my life, I am not alone.  For the first time in my life, there is someone in my world that loves me without reservation or condition.  And the sex is mind-blowing.

I was alone in Ann Arbor, convinced of my insanity (welcome back to the asylum, Phil) rather than of my existence and willpower.  I did not examine my situation.  I blocked out everything save The House.  It was my charge, after all.  It was Why I Am Here.  And then, in the middle of Rory’s death, Harry’s sexual divergence, and my drunken stupor, Mei Ling simply appeared.

Together, we have supported each other in a time that neither of us are from.  We have discovered more about our situation than I had thought possible, and we have been ready to give our lives for each other.  Have I mentioned the sex?  Because the sex really deserves mentioning.  And revisiting.  Often.

She keeps talking about babies.  Children!  The time spirit said that I have no wives that are yet alive.  In the dream quest to the house with the rooms and the wives, every wife brought me safety, sanctity, and security.  Not to mention the sex.  But none of them brought me happiness.  In the end, I went out of the house.  I went to the garage, where Harley was.  I woke him once more, and I left that place.

The home that I created in Lansing was like this.  The House, when I would only see it and nothing else, was like this.  Mei Ling is like this.  It is not my destiny, nor my desire, to settle in one place or time.  It is my lot to wander, as I am shown.  I will not be in Ann Arbor forever.  I am not the one for Deacon nor father.  But what about husband?

The time spirit said that I have no wives that are yet alive.  My Avatar has shown me that my faith in the wedding band is an old pattern, condemning me to do this again and again and again.  He has finally spoken to me, and he has said that my relationship with Mei Ling prevents us both from moving forward.  She wishes me safety, sanctity, and security.  These are not in my destiny.  In a field alongside the highway, I sat across a fire from him, and listened to him tell me that my destiny is to remain forever alone.

I can’t get the image of that man’s face, splattered across the motel’s parking lot, out of my mind.  Yes, he tried to steal Harley.  Yes, he pulled a knife on me.  I see the images of the body and Ling’s bloody hands every time I close my eyes.

– Crazy or Enlightened?

When I was in the house in the dream quest, I was all of the me’s from all of the when’s.  When I woke up with my hands around Mei Ling’s neck, and ended up on the floor with a broken nose (I’m lucky she didn’t try to kill me), I swear that I felt more me than I am now.  The nose healed.  The ridiculous amount of my blood reversed its flow and went back into my body.  These are things that I cannot do, and I have been assured that no one else caused these things to happen.

I had a thought, before everything snapped, that maybe it was another me that had wanted to choke her.  Kind of the opposite of the me that married (will marry) her.  Maybe that caused the snap.  Maybe it’s the paradox.  Maybe it was waking up with my hands around her neck.  Whatever it was, Quiet came back to visit me for a time.  I went back into the asylum, and once more came out whole.  Ling didn’t.  Quiet is still with her, and her love for me has twisted into obsession.  She and I must be separated for a time.  I hope that Will’s training will do the trick.  Either way, I let sleeping memories lie.

To Do:
– Contact Backspace about Victor and Vinnie.
– Decide what to do about the wedding band.
– Find Raven and re-learn how to open the doorways in the Gauntlet.
– Tell Harry what I’ve figured out about the node and the Horizon Realm.

[Essay] The Relation Between the Panopticon and the Internet

This was the final paper for my WRA 260 class. Finished on 03 May 2005.

The Relation Between the Panopticon and the Internet

The idea of the Panopticon has evolved since its creation in the late 18th century. It began as a simple concept for a prison, proposed to Czarina Catherine the Great, blossomed into a social theory and observation by Michael Foucault, and finally metamorphosed into the messy interaction between observer and observed that we can find on the Internet today. Those who espouse theories of a purposeful and universal Panopticism in every-day modern life are labeled as paranoids living on the fringe of society, while those that deny the Panopticon’s existence ignore the obvious evidence that stares them in the face. A prime study of the modern evolution of the Panopticon can be found on the Internet.

The Panopticon

Jeremy Bantham, an English lawyer living in the early 18th and late 19th centuries, was quite interested in social and political reform. He is considered one of the forefathers of utilitarianism, a principle which he felt was embodied in his “greatest happiness principle.” Today, his theories are considered to be based upon a refined form of hedonism. Bantham considered that which brought pleasure to be good, and that which brought pain and suffering to be evil. So, in a logical fashion, acts that ran contrary to happiness, even the happiness of society, were morally wrong. He applied this to all aspects of his life, including both law and politics. For instance, Bantham wrote quite a bit on the subject of liberty. He considered liberty good, as it brought about strong happiness on an individual scale. Since law, by necessity, limits liberty, law is inherently evil. However, law is needed to ensure that the happiness afforded by liberty can be granted to everyone in a society. Therefore, happiness is brought about on the greatest scale by logical and well thought out law that restricts liberty by only the needed amount, and no more. Bantham, then, would have considered properly applied law a greater good, while both liberty and law, when mishandled, could bring about suffering, and therefore evil.

This philosophy was taken into account during a trip to Russia to visit his brother. Bantham created the concept of the Panopticon, a “perfect prison”, for Czarina Catherine the Great. The building was designed in the shape of an octagon, built around a central tower. The cells were located in the outer ring, the octagon itself, and were always well lit. One wall of each cell was open to the central tower, which was always darkened. Thus, anyone observing from the tower could observe without being observed in turn. Because of this, whether or not a prisoner was actually being observed, the possibility was strong enough to persuade him to act on his best behavior. Bantham carried this concept a step farther, stating that those whose duty it was to watch should also be observed in a similar manner by their superiors, so as to discourage any untoward acts while on the job. The Czarina never accepted this idea from Bantham. Indeed, the concept never found fruition while he was alive, despite its widespread implications in today’s society.

In the 1970’s, Michael Foucault published his observations of society in relation to the concept of Bantham’s Panopticon. In this work, he traced the concept’s development from the prison design, to a community set up, to a workplace environment, and finally to an insinuation of observation by authorities in day-to-day life. He makes the argument that prison design eventually works its way into all nooks and crannies of society. Today, one of the most prevalent examples is the Internet.

The Internet

The Internet was a project begun by the military. In an effort to keep communication and data transfer available during a nuclear attack, our cold-war government tasked the military with linking several of its base computer networks with key universities across the country. Programmers in the military and at the universities slowly developed protocols such as e-mail, USENet, Internet Relay Chat, and others. The World Wide Web, the component of the Internet that is most commonly believed to be the whole, didn’t arrive until over a decade after the original project began. In the mid-nineties, when the World Wide Web was made mainstream by such bulletin board systems as Prodigy, CompuServe, and America Online, the original idea of a distributed communication system in case of apocalyptic disaster was shoved to the background in favor of a bold new marketplace.

Even such early bulletin boards as Prodigy were employing the Panopticon – a file was placed on each user’s hard drive that tracked everywhere the customer went and everything the customer did, in order to better “serve the customer.” In reality, this is a common tactic to gather information to track market trends. Every user that was logging on to Prodigy was being observed from the darkened tower; every single movement was tracked.

Like the concept of the Panopticon, the Internet has evolved. From its many and varied purposes and protocols, a few have survived in wide-spread use. Certainly there are still users out there, “hard core” and “old school”, using USENet, IRC, and Gopher, but these are few and far between. E-mail exists today in the exact same way it did at the beginning, though programs have evolved to include multimedia content and file attachments. The World Wide Web still exists as a collection of home pages and bookmarks, though the script used to code the pages have become nothing less than crystalline in their complexity and ability to create beauty. Interactivity and multimedia blossom as this protocol has become known, simply, as “the internet.” Chat has succumbed to the concept of Instant Messaging, which originated in America Online’s not-quite-internet service, and migrated to the Internet with programs like ICQ, AOL Instant Messenger, Yahoo! Messenger, MSN Messenger, and Jabber. This type of chatting has become so prevalent that programs were designed to incorporate all of the different IM protocols into one program. Two popular examples are Trillian for the PC and Adium for the Macintosh. Most popular of all is Peer-to-Peer Networking, or P2P for short. Programs, and the companies that made them, such as Napster, Morpheus, Gnutella, Limewire, and others have all become the target of both music and movie distributing companies – not to mention their lawyers. This type of networking, currently culminated in the BitTorrent protocol, is wildly popular. It has a particular influence on the Internet’s version of the Panopticon that I will address later. Together, all of these protocols make up today’s Internet.

Panopticon and Technology

Technology is reaching the point that tracking anyone, anywhere, anytime will only be hampered by sorting through the glut of information that is being fed to those in authority. Cellular phones are tracked – in case of dialing 911 for emergencies – by global positioning satellites. Otherwise, you have a few-square-mile radius by tower triangulation. Soon, with the wireless technology that can connect your cell phone to your laptop, radar images of the immediate area will be available by bathing the area with communication waves from that cellular phone. Cameras linked into wireless Internet hot spots are available and will replace normal security cameras. These cameras will soon be wireless Internet routers in their own right, linking each other and supporting routes of connectivity if one or a few go south. Motion-sensitive cameras are already covering the Detroit suburban area, so that the traffic light knows if there is a car waiting for it to change. Microphones and radar devices can already tell a police officer what is going on inside a relatively small house, so there is little need for a search warrant. Soon, many of these technologies will be able to be solar-powered. Permanent and semi-permanent observation installations will be quick and easy to install. The available technology allows the observer to stay in his darkened tower, watching more easily than ever.
Panopticon and E-Government

There are two words that strike annoyance into the hearts of Internet Service Providers everywhere. Carnivore and Eschelon. Each of these is a program created by government agencies, and each is designed to monitor the Internet traffic of users, with or without their permission. Code words can trigger an email being copied and re-routed to a government facility. Terrorist. Jihad. Al-Queda. Hussein. Even electronic communications without these triggers can be diverted as a random sample from the very backbone (the ISP of your ISP) of your local Internet connection. E-mail and chat are the big targets of our government agencies, as any other part of the Internet can be monitored without intrusive measures. This is done in the guise of protecting ourselves and our children from terrorism and malicious “hackers and crackers.” Despite the limited number of such people, both the media and the government would have you believe that your computer is constantly at risk, and these evildoers could destroy your data at any moment. Luckily for these agencies – and the corporations that write the aforementioned software – fear works the same both on and off the ‘net. The Panopticon becomes reinforced, as safety is desired over autonomy. Once again, the elevated value of a perceived safety brings about observation on a massive scale. The truth is, there are only a few of these malicious hackers and crackers out there; most are pubescent and pre-pubescent teens with something to prove. A financial or business network is far more tantalizing a target than the pictures of your vacation to Timbuktu.

Panopticon and P2P Networking

Peer-to-peer networking is used to share files. While the protocol and programs themselves are not illegal, these networks are most used to illegally share music and movie files. These creative works are shared without the author’s or distributor’s consent, and therefore constitute copyright violation. The argument can be made that this is just the new incarnation of bootleg cassette tapes, which brought about the popularity of the bands that are most vocally against this sharing, like Metallica. This argument tends to continue with tirades about how information and art should be free to all, and that these networks promote a universality of sharing amongst their users. If this were true, I would welcome such a utopian ideal and noble practice. However, statistics show that a mere 1% of users on these networks share 75% of the files. This layout does not promote sharing of any kind; it simply functions as a distribution network. A few distribute the illegally copied material to the many.

Initially, this sort of file sharing may have had little or nothing to do with the Panopticon. More recently, however, major distributors of movies and music have used their combined legal power to create a darkened tower in the center of these networks. Previously illegal systems, such as Napster, have been forced into the legality of pay-for-play systems. Other legal alternatives have arisen, such as mp3.com and the iTunes Music Store. Each of these tracks your purchases, what kind of music you like, etc. The party line is that this is done so that you may re-download the songs that you’ve already purchased, in case your computer crashes. As more and more audio and video media players (Windows Media Player, RealPlayer, Quicktime) begin to log your actions, they report back what kind of internet-based music you listen to and what kind of movies and movie trailers you watch. Some are even set this way right after they are installed, and you must turn this function off if you don’t want it. While there have been controversies about these default settings, they have been short-lived. Outcry is quickly silenced as these companies leverage for control of the darkened tower.

Panopticon and Spyware

Spyware is the first instance on the Internet of the Panopticon backfiring. Spyware, like virus programs, copy themselves. They replicate, install themselves on your computer, and run all on their own. Spyware programs are most commonly contracted through Peer-to-Peer networking programs, taskbar weather programs like WeatherBug, and through email attachments. In all of these ways, Spyware and virus programs are very similar. Instead of being intentionally malicious, Spyware is designed to advertise and track. It tracks the places you go, records the information, and sends it back to the company that made it. It creates pop-up and pop-under advertisements, tailored to the sites that you have previously visited. It uses as much of your computer’s resources as it can to do this as it replicates itself. In concept, this type of program is the epitome of an Internet-based consumer Panopticon. Unfortunately, most computers cannot handle many of these programs running at the same time. A few will slow your computer and Internet speeds to a crawl, more than that will outright crash your machine.

In the rush to take advantage of this advertising tool, the designers of Spyware have made their programs too effective. They spread quickly and indiscriminately, each jockeying for the resources of your computer. These programs alone can overload your computer’s ability to allocate its resources by themselves, let alone when you attempt to use your computer. The resultant crash defeats the purpose of these programs, as they can no longer harvest and report data. In this case, the observer will be able to observe for a time, but the tool that allows them to observe will eventually darken the room that they are watching.

What does it all mean?

The Internet, in its various forms, has an incredibly complex effect on the concept of the Panopticon. The Internet is forcing the Panopticon to evolve more quickly than ever before. The technology for real-world observation via the Internet becomes more viable every day. The hardware becomes cheaper, and the preference for replacing manpower with technology grows exponentially. Among the different protocols that make up the Internet, the Panopticon is evolving in different ways. The government can and does monitor electronic communication via email, instant message, and chat with software programs that are designed to both search for keywords and randomly sample data from main communication trunks. Peer-to-peer networking has enhanced the legality of the Panopticon as major companies bring suit against the biggest distributors of copyrighted material.

The Internet also seems to be a key motivator in a new resident of the darkened tower. In the past, the Big Brother that has been in that tower has been government. In this case, corporations seem to be elbowing for their own room as residents, even masters of the tower. As the observed, we also can be said to be moving from the seat of citizen to that of consumer. It is becoming just as important to know what we are buying as it is to know what we are reading, where we are traveling, and with whom we are associated.

Can either Big Brother Government or Big Brother Corporation handle the information that they’re scrambling for? The government’s random samples of data bring them gigabytes of information daily, and they need more people than they can hire to sort through it to determine its relevancy. Purchasing and shopping information is so detailed and so intuitive to begin with, what can a glut of details do except for reinforce trends that have been plotted by simpler means? We have already seen what too many information-gathering tools can do to a computer that is connected to the Internet. Machines crash every day from having too much Spyware installed. How long before there are more rooms – more people – in the tower than in the prison? How useless has the data already become when so many Internet users already use false identities? The sheer mass of the information gathered becomes coupled with the anonymity of the Internet, which will only increase misrepresented trends and false positives.

While the Internet may be pushing the Panopticon to evolve to a new and frightening size, it is unlikely that increasing the size of the tower will increase its efficiency. Those of us who are observed, and were raised being observed, will continue to ignore the tower unless forced to look directly at the structure. In the end, the structure of the Panopticon will become useless when mining information from the Internet. There is simply too much information, true and false, to be efficiently sorted through. However, if the Internet is used as a tool for moving real-world data, such as observations from wireless and solar-powered cameras, the power of the Panopticon in “meatspace” will only increase.

References

Brignall, Tom III “The New Panopticon: The Internet Viewed as a Structure of Social Control” Theory & Science
URL: http://theoryandscience.icaap.org/content/vol003.001/brignall.html
(2002)
Doctorow, Cory “How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Panopticon” O’Reilly Network
URL: http://www.oreillynet.com/lpt/a/1610
(08 Mar. 2002)
Stross, Charlie “The Panopticon Singularity” Rants and Raves
URL: http://www.antipope.org/charlie/rant/panopticon-essay.html
(2002)
Sweet, William “Jeremy Bentham (1748-1832) The Internet Encyclopedia of Philosophy
URL: http://www.iep.utm.edu/b/bentham.htm
(2001)

[White Wolf] Phil’s Journal

This was written after the 29 & 30 Apr 2005 games.

I’m no stranger to dichotomy.

I am, perhaps, a stranger to understanding.  The last few days have brought understanding in spades, and at this point, I can’t even bring myself to fear discorporation.  It’s not even death.  From my understanding(pah!), there are two major possibilities:  I will re-corporate as someone very close to myself, or I will begin a new cycle.

I’m beginning to become annoyed at people trying to come up with alternate explanations for Mei Ling and my timeline-hopping.  This was infinitely easier when I was sure that I was insane.  And after the last few nights, I’m certain that it would have been safer.  Maybe I can make more sense of it all if I lay it out on paper.

-The ley lines, the sigil, the ritual, and the ward

Losing Nero to the vampires has been a major blow.  Until Harry can finish translating his notes from French, we’re at a stand-still.  None of us truly realized how much Nero had done and was doing for the chantry.  Unraveling this mystery will hopefully tell us the ward’s purpose, and then we can judge for ourselves when it comes to strengthening or re-erecting the ward.

That brings me to those that erecting the ward.  The batshit Hermetic Archmage.  Aiko, the Ecstatic.  The Chorister – dead, whose voice is a thousand screams – who was wife to the Hermetic, mother to Ulysses, lover to Aiko, and who knows what else.  Ulysses was gone due to a father-son fight, when the – wait, no.  That’s impossible.  It’s been two hundred years since the ward went up.  Either he was born and raised inside the ward, or he has extended his own age.  I must find out how old Ulysses is.

Victor is related to these four in some way.  I will respect the deal that was made with us, and leave him alone.  I would bet, though, that Rory knew something.  Otherwise, Harry wouldn’t have flipped out when he heard that Victor was in the coffee shop.  The only others that might know are Backspace and that Arabic V.A..  I hate being so shitty with names.

– The vampires

Can it get any stranger than a war between the Mafia and a vampire?  Yes, yes it can.  But not by much.  The one in our own city has his deal.  We’ll leave him alone, if he leaves us alone.  He has Nero, and I believe his story about the oath to keep him alive.  I have to believe it, or I’d never sleep again.

We have allies in Grand Rapids.  Sure, they’re undead, but they don’t seem to suffer from Paradox.  Not a worthwhile trade-off from my side of the fence, but what are you going to do?  Oh, wait, I know.  We’ll free them from their curse, as Cole, the Prince (why not King?) asked us to do.  Ulysses said that attempts to do this have resulted in disaster.  Bah.  What’s a little disaster to Phillip Schuler?  Sheesh.  I have a feeling that the key to undoing the curse could be found in the rite used to give it to House Tremere.  Maybe Harry’s hard-on for destroying vampires can be turned to something constructive.

The cult in Flint and Lansing (FUCK FUCK FUCKITTY FUCK) may be as daunting an enemy as the Prince is an ally.  The one Lasombra has already tried to enter Ann Arbor, and will be able to as soon as the ward falls.  At the latest.  The horrors of the Abyss wrapped around them was eerie in its beauty.

At least we got the ring.

– The ring

Hermetic design.  Effects the spirit realm.  Specifically, the realm of the dead.  More specifically, the specters.  Are they evil ghosts?  Remnants of evil people, or changed by their post-death experiences?  What would have to happen to one’s soul to end up looking like the monster in the caverns?  Does it take a caul, or does humanity carry that horror within itself every day?

The ring brings irony after irony.  We took it from the vampires, but donning the ring induces a state like undeath.  We had to get it because the Archmage rescued Rory from the specters that the ring is designed to influence.

What association does Aiko have with the Specters, the Labyrinth of the underworld, that she can hold them at bay for those women that don’t bring men with them?  Would she do this for Mei Ling, and how horrible am I for even having the thought?

Whatever the consequence, we made the deal, so we must uphold it.  I will know who sacrificed their life to that madman.

– Wife?

Where in the shit do I start?  Is it even possible to have objective thought about this?  Hell, no.  The nightly romps don’t help, though by no means do they hurt.  Well, not in any bad way.  Argh!  See what I mean?

Okay, try again.  There was a time and place that I loved her.  It existed, and it w as truly me, acting, thinking, feeling as I do.  In a manner that I do.  Like the time spirit said, it was Phil.  It was me.  I don’t have the luxury of understanding the nuances that differentiate that version of me from, well, me.

When I heard that she’d jumped off of a fucking building, and could be dead, I was shaken.  No, I was devastated.  Back-to-back this was not.  Was it because I had assigned myself her protector (ha!) and translator for this brave new (old) reality?  I had an apprentice once, but this never happened with her.  I was far more of a father-figure.  Christ, I can’t even remember if the girl survived the Nephandi.

I put the ring on without hesitation.  The wedding band.  The chalk was gone and the ring was there.  She said I abandoned her.  Harley said I abandoned him.  He forgives me, but their memories agree and mine does not.  Maybe I am still crazy.  Wouldn’t it be funny if they were both figments of my delusional mind?  Hee!

– Crazy or Enlightened?

Two years in an instant.  The filing job with Mr. Schmidt.  The old house with Mei Ling.  Magic fading out of my life along with the danger and vibrancy.  The rightness of the day to day life.  I know that this was another test from my Avatar, and I know that I succeeded.  All those rooms, with all those wives, all those lives.  That house was MY house, I think.  The house that I always build, every cycle, trying to chase after a stability that I never really want.  I was all me’s that have been, I think, in all when’s that I have visited.

The Technocracy do not have Avatars; they have Eidolons.  The Technocracy are not Awakened, they are Enlightened.  Is it hubris to believe myself both Awake and Enlightened?  Does the crazy prevent the hubris?

Because I was all of me, everywhere and everywhen, I was able to find Harley.  In the dream, I awoke his spirit; this must have represented finding or reuniting with him.  Whatever the case, a missing companion – one that I remember – has returned, and for this I am happy.

Okay, this has helped.  Information I need to gather:
– How old is Ulysses?
– What did Rory and Backspace know about Victor?
– Can the rite that the Tremere used to become vampires be used to undo the curse?
– Who sacrificed their life to the Archmage?
– Am I falling in love with Ling, or am I just trying to be a white knight?

Okay, that last one is a bit more complex.  I need to convince Ling to physically train me – again – so that I am not so weak.  I need to get with both Harry and Ling, and probably Tim, to deliver the ring.  I need to re-learn how to open the doorways.  I need to try to forget the asylum.  I need to not think about why I left Ling and Harley.

Or maybe I do need to find that out.

[Essay] Kneecap dislocation.

WARNING: CUT DUE TO GRAPHIC DESCRIPTION. See the subject line.

The assignment piece was to write a short creative non-fiction essay that broke five of the traditional “rules” for writing. It was written on 22 Mar 2005.

When it happens, the immediate situation doesn’t send the panic through me. I don’t think of why my kneecap is sliding across my knee joint, and out of its track. I think of what is just to follow. I think of my setting. If I lie there, will I be noticed? Will someone come to help? Am I in the middle of the street, or on a sidewalk? Will my kneecap pop back into place when I hit the surface below me, or will I get to stoically slide it back in myself? Will there be an ambulance ride, morphine, and an enormous bill? Or will I be able to limp home?

This time, it was only a sublux. Kneecap out. Me on the sidewalk. Kneecap in. Five or so minutes groaning in pain and hugging the concrete. Then I was up and limping back home.

[Essay] Book of Josh

Written on 28 Feb 2005.

1 Joshua was the talk of the town. Everybody was talkin’ about Josh.

2 When Mark did it, nobody understood. He was the oldest of the bunch, and some said he had secrets.

3 Matthew was strong in his Jewish faith. Luke had a thing for rejection. They both hung around Mark, repeating whatever he said.

4 John was obsessed with nobility. He was standoffish, and the other three thought he was kinda full of himself.

5 Peter didn’t like Jewish people. Nobody talked to Pete, but some listened.

6 Thomas liked puzzles and word games. He went around with this wierd smile on his face, like he knew something nobody else did. 7 Mark caught Tom whispering to Matt and Luke a few times.

8 People liked to read whatever Paul wrote, far and wide. He liked to write. Everybody who hadn’t heard any of the others read him religiously. 9 But he never really talked to those other guys. He wanted to, but he wasn’t in their club yet.

10 Everybody was talkin’ about Josh. Who listened?

Tearing out of my own skin.

My most recent case of writer’s block seems to be over. Unfortunately, I’ve had some difficulty creating time to write. That ends now.

Here is a list, in no particular order, of my immediate projects:

  • Paper for Philosophy class.
  • Begin novel #2. Yup, it’s the sequel to the last one.
  • Small-time-mafia project.
  • Re-write ALL of the Steven series. Start to finish. Nothing remotely hinting toward White Wolf can survive this purge. I have no desire to get sued by a gaming company that I have spent hundreds and hundreds of dollars supporting.
  • TF MMORPG proposal. MOSIER!
  • Adam.

Heh. I gotta shake my head now that all of that is down in print.

[Essay] Reaction

Written on 26 Feb 2005.

So many are mourning the death of the creator of Gonzo journalism. So many say that he was a genius. Now that he’s dead, many seem to even worship at Hunter S. Thompson’s feet. I don’t get it.

Granted, my experience and exposure are limited. I’ve seen the movie interpretation of “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas,” and that’s it. Others have read several of his books, followed his diatribes against the current governmental administration, and held him up as a role model.

But, more of the vocal mourners seem to have been like me. How much more interest in what he had to say is there now that he’s dead? How will his book sales figures react? For how long will libraries be all checked out of his titles? Why was he a liberal crackpot in life and a literary genius after he commits suicide?

Publishing tactic: suck on a gun barrel. It worked for Nirvana and Hunter S. Thompson. Maybe my novel will spend less time in a slush pile. Added side effect: more iron in your diet.

Those of us that are left behind still get to toil through the day. We who are the so-called “creative types that endure never being able to fully fit in to society” are still here, not fitting in. Not only that, most of us are proud to dissent, not cowed and fearful.

So, here’s my liberal crackpot theory: he didn’t suck on that barrel. It was shoved down his throat.