Tag Archives: Writery

Writing madman.

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So, since I don’t want Comcast to end up owning my novel, I only write on my lunch breaks and when I’m out and about or at home. Basically non-work time. Today I was so bored at work that I started writing stuff about Steven, an old Sabbat LARP character of mine.

Holy crap. I wrote five pages between calls by the time lunch came around. That post I made earlier in ? First page and a half. More will be posted later.

I’d be able to finish this so much more quickly if I could work on it at work. Argh. I -did- get two more pages written in the novel at the coney island.

[Michigan Poets] Hurt. Again.

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Familiar and alien
the combination twists my insides
my heart and my stomach
my eyes and my soul

I had thought this left in the past
I had thought that it would never return
to be re-lived
This time, the ice shattered
Spilling out liquid fire
in wracking sobs

That is why I’m still bitter
she said
because I still love them all
wounds don’t heal

I’ve been hurt like this before
but never like that.
Almost exactly like this, in situation
but never like that, afterward.
Just the same, in disappointment
but different, in determination.
Word for word, in your self-doubt
Every syllable changed, when I shattered.

Today, my hands gripping the cold
metal spikes
by the churning river,
I doubted the hope within me.
It felt so dim.

Nothing between two people
is perfect
We’re changed now,
because of what you did.
Less starry-eyed perfect
More earthen reality
We doubt our strengths
But not our desire for
each other – forever.

I will not take my name back
from you.
Not this time.
Never forget what I said
amidst running nose
tear-red eyes
sob-wheezing breath
I cannot forgive again.
This is too much for me to live with
a second time around.

Live your love for me
every day and every minute
in every step and every word
every action you take.

Time will prove that you can
or that I was wrong, one more time.

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I really need to make the transition into Chapter 5 smooth, without being contrived.

Hives have broken out under my left eye. Apparently I’m stressed, and hadn’t noticed. Heh.

Oh, and iChat AV f’ing rules.

[Dream]

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[Inside]
All around me, in this double-wide trailer, is my extended family. I didn’t feel any shame, and am having a good time. My mother’s mother treats me like a twelve-year-old, which she always does. Pleasant warmth.

[Outside]
No shame meant that I was no longer what the nastier part of my inner dialogue wants to call a “worthless bum”.

[Inside]
I left the trailer, still filled with the pleasant warmth. I was picked up in a car, and it had three other people in it. I knew that this was my family, as well. The pleasant warmth was sustained by family. One of the occupants of the compact car reminded me of , but I couldn’t tell you why or who was driving the car.

[Outside]
I was not driving the car, and this is somehow important.

[Inside]
I was dropped off at a party that resembled a birthday party I attended in Japan. I was surrounded by women, and the warmth was only reduced mildly.

[Outside]
All the people there were girls I’d known in high school.

[Inside]
The conversation turned to my love life, and lack thereof. It felt like the usual turn of affairs, almost natural that I didn’t have a significant other.

[Outside]
It felt much like the three years in which I’d had no significant other, only without the urgency and panic.

[Inside]
The question was posed to me by a girl I’d had a crush on, and this amused me pleasantly. She was half Asian, half German, tall, and thin. Her face was pockmarked with acne scars, and this didn’t trouble me.

[Outside]
She’d never had acne in high school. Somehow this brought her off of the pedastal I’d placed her on in High School.

[Inside]
I’d asked her out once and she had turned me down. She said that it had been a mistake, and that she ought to rectify it.

[Outside]
When I awoke, I remembered that the action of asking her out and getting turned down had actually happened in a previous dream.

[Inside]
I was picked up again by the same compact car, and we drove around the town admiring old buildings and new green in the city.

[Outside]
This is where I woke up.

Dig it.

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Dig the flow, a closed circuit.
Can you feel the wierd that has hit me?
Yeah, you can feel that. As familiar to us as the panic.
As familiar to us as the doubt.

Dig the mutual return and acknowledgement. SYN/ACK
Can you feel the disappointment, and the drive to keep going?
Yeah, you can feel that. As familiar to us as suspender clips.
As familiar as being without money.

Dig the word that can’t encompass its own meaning.
Can you feel the determination build at the same rate as the fear of failure?
Yeah, you can feel that. As familiar to us as being out of our heads.
As familiar as the crazy and the glint in the eye.

You help me every day.