TAURUS (April 20-May 20): There are no longer enough Catholic priests in North America to fulfill all the requests for divine intervention that are received from parishioners. The requests are therefore outsourced to churches in India, where up-and-coming young clergy pray over them at $5 a pop. It’s too bad the powers-that-be apparently don’t know about me and my team of Prayer Warriors, because we perform the same service absolutely free. To demonstrate our effectiveness, we plan to unleash a series of powerful prayers on your behalf. Specifically, we will beseech God to bless you in the coming weeks with cathartic pleasures that will permanently expand your capacity for happiness.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): A few years back, the commissioners of Kleberg County, Texas retired the salutation “hello” because they said it contained the offensive term “hell.” In its place, they made “heaven-o” the official county greeting. That’s borderline lunatic, if you ask me, and yet I understand the principle. In fact, I recommend that you initiate some adjustments in your own language, Taurus. As much as possible, you should stop using words that make you feel bad, confused, or weak. Replace them with fresh terms that make you feel optimistic and empowered. Of course, this is good advice for everyone all the time, but it’s especially apt for you right now. The astrological omens suggest you have a special capacity for changing deep-seated habits that sap your energy, especially those involving the way you speak.