I have the desire to bathe in all that would
Affront you
Insult you
Disgust you
Drive you away
Question all the good things you’ve said about me.

I have the desire to destroy something beautiful
Tear it apart
Rend it limb from limb
Shatter it
Crush it
Bend it
Fuck it up beyond all comprehensible recognition.

I have the desire to intentionally hurt someone’s feelings
Humiliate
Depreciate
Belittle
Embarrass
Destroy their reputation to those that mean the most.

I will never act on these desires.
I will voice them, and attempt to heal my wounds.
I will bow my head, for I have tied my own hands behind my back.

I should shut my mouth
My compliments are open-handed slaps

I should close my eyes
My gaze is as a lecherous priest

I should cover my ears
Everything I hear hits me like a mack truck

I should cut my hands at the wrist
My touch is a pestilence to those I love

I am disgusting.

Why do you look at me
with that expectation in your eyes?
Why do you stare at me
like you’re waiting for me to do something brilliant?
Why do you insist that I love myself?

Go away!
Leave me the fuck alone!
I don’t want your damn compliments.
I don’t want your pseudo-compassion.

Now look what you’ve made me do.
I’ve written this trash
this absolute crap
that will mar this web page
electronic media
and will be read
by all of those close to me

It is disgusting.

I don’t write this for you
whoever you are that is reading this
This isn’t about you.

My world is a mirror
shattered through with cracks
pressed together just right
there are no lines
the reflection is perfect

They have begun to grind
these shards
press against each other
and gap apart
the noise sounds like
my teeth pressed too hard together

I no longer can tell
which is important
which is trivial
everything seems to loom
with importance
and fall to the floor
with triviality

I can brush it away with the back of my hand
at the same time I am crushed with its magnitude
Every decision weighs on my shoulders,
yet doesn’t matter for shit

The duality tears me apart
laughable, I could lay back and read a book
so urgent that it must be dealt with this instant
The decision to decide or not has me pulling out my hair

I need to let go soon
I need to let go of what I grip so tightly
I need to let go or I will go mad
I need to let go or I will go sane
I need to let go.

Floating to the surface
this memory of you
lying on my chest

The time since I felt that last
seems infinite.

Yet you always ended up
facing away from me.
Facing inward
wondering about your fear.

We did not sleep that night.
Once again,
you felt yourself slip
out of control.

Just like when you kissed me
so hard
so thrilling

I do not believe you
when you chant
“I do not need that.
I am so very different.”

You hate that you need
what may give you what you want
or what may destroy you.

We both think too much
but I’m not going anywhere
and I have chosen you.
—
Floating to the surface
this memory of you
calling me devious.

I distract you
and I distract myself
truths that I run from
truths that I run to

It all seems so complex
when I think
so many influences
pushing us both

What I feel is simple
and so very large
that it may crush me
grind me to dust

So easy to lose myself
in the beauty of your skin
as a bull-fighting vampire
I am transfixed and quiet.

So easy to lose myself
in the heat that flows
when I pull up your shirt
and rest my hand on your stomach.

No longer.
I find myself pledging once more.
My kisses are honest
My touch plain.

When I touch you now
you may feel that simple feeling
that threatens to crush me.
I will not fail myself.
—
Floating to the surface
this memory of you
pulling me up from sleep.

I claimed a right
to push you
and your anger
lashed at me

I bathed in this fire
while the fog
would not clear
from my mind.

Again, there was no filter
you must delight in the
childish honesty

I meant what I said
when I claimed that right
I meant what I said
when I confessed my love

I mean it all
even when it contradicts
I mean it all
—
Floating to the surface
this memory of you
listening to my tears

I can barely hold
this pencil
my hand is shaking

I have run
because of this
I have been angry
because of this
I have cried
because of this
I have forgiven
because of this

I may be broken
because of this
I may be shattered
because of this

But love can never
destroy me.
—
Floating to the surface
this memory of you
confessing to me.

You have told me
that to speak makes you happy
as your touch makes me happy

We should
talk and touch
and be happy.

Trying to capture the waves
of intensity that
careened
into and through me
when she wasn’t here

The question of the
why
won’t leave me alone.
It pesters me,
gnawing on a bit of me
until I bat it away.

The alcohol has quenched
the TV static
but that is no way
to solve this puzzle.