TAURUS (April 20-May 20): This is a time when you must put one concern above all others: being true to yourself. Don’t you dare elevate other people’s needs above your own. Don’t you dare let their guilt trips manipulate you into watering down your interesting quirks. You have simply got to devote yourself exuberantly to your idiosyncratic dreams. You owe it to yourself to learn all you can about your innermost secrets and ripening mysteries. You need to be ingeniously obsessed with serving your deepest, wildest, most noble longings.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): New Rule: During the next two weeks, you’re not allowed to think any thought or feel any feeling you’ve experienced a million times before. If you detect one of those stale ingredients bubbling up into the mix, it’s your sacred duty to immediately substitute a fresh-from-the-garden idea or feeling that you’ve never entertained before. It’s the season of novelty, Taurus–time to compost the old ways and revel in raw innocence. Invite the universe to gorge you with virginal blessings.

Virgins?

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Recently I had minor eye surgery to close some tiny holes in my retina. It wasn’t a big deal–just a preventive measure–and it didn’t have any effect on my actual physical vision. The best part of the experience happened because of the nurse who prepped me for the procedure. She used a felt-tip pen to write “YES” over my right eyebrow, ensuring that the surgeon wouldn’t aim the laser into the wrong eye. I didn’t wash off the “YES” until 24 hours after the operation, and was pleased at the unexpected effect it had. I found myself using my eyes more aggressively–with a greater hunger to study my surroundings. It was as if the written “YES” had given me a subliminal suggestion to switch on a figurative “YES” in my perceptual apparatus. Now I’m recommending this trick to you, Taurus. It’s a perfect astrological moment to perk up your seeing. I dare you to write “YES” over both of your eyebrows.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): It’s perfectly fine for you to have dreamy eyes in the coming days–wistful, hopeful, liquid eyes that are more focused on the fantasies within than on the sights without. Muse to your heart’s content, Taurus. Wander over to paradise in your imagination. Entertain utopian visions. As much as is practical, give yourself permission to visit LaLa land, where you can explore infinite possibilities, imaginary adventures, and “forbidden” topics that up until now you haven’t dared to play with.

I think he’s jumping the gun a bit. Finals aren’t quite over yet. :)

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Lately I have this recurring vision of you crawling up out of a deep hole. I’ve even had two dreams with that theme. Each time, you seem to defy gravity as you climb by clawing at the sides of the hole and pulling yourself higher and higher until you finally emerge into daylight. Why am I having these fantasies? Are they a metaphor for your life right now? I shudder to think that you’ve been in an abyss as profound as the one I’ve been seeing, though I’m ecstatic about the prospect that you’re about to escape.

When he’s right, he’s right.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): I once knew a psychic who worked with people in comas. He contacted their spirits, which were wandering in limbo between this world and the next, and tried to convince them to either fully return to their bodies or else let their bodies die and formally exit to the other side. The task you now face is nowhere as dramatically life-and-death as that, Taurus, but it’s comparable in a sense: Being neither here nor there is a futile state that you shouldn’t continue to accept. Do what’s necessary to make the knotty choice with as much grace as possible.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Does the curse “goddamn it” fly out of your mouth every time you stub your toe or misplace your keys? Do you know the brand names of ten different beers but have trouble remembering any of the Ten Commandments? Do you sometimes undress people in your imagination without their permission? If so, says the *Weekly World News,* you’re going to hell when you die many years from now. There is, however, a tiny chance you can begin some atonement now that will cancel out the karma from the above-named sins and stave off eternal damnation. APRIL FOOL! The acts I named aren’t sins, and besides, there’s no such thing as hell. However, it’s true that this is a good time to seek forgiveness and try to correct old mistakes.