From my paper journal:

I’m defensive, frustrated, angry, and hurt. I feel like holding my head in my hands, gripping tufts of my hair, and moaning about “what was I thinking.” Real oh-woe-is-me shit. It’s been a while since I’ve gotten angry at something. I wonder why I chose to get publically angry over Ani and Abby. Recipie for drama if there ever was one.

I had just made the final decision to let her back into my life as a friend again, without holding her at arm’s length. Ani, that is. I have to wonder how I can already be thinking that it might have been a mistake. That’s not really my worry, though. Arm’s length or not, I chose today to let myself become angry over rumor and possible events about someone that I have purposefully removed from my life. I took the low road. Then, I let it be magnified by comments that I could have taken and passed over. But did I? No. I got hurt, embarrassed, and angry.

Head. Ass. Now.

Am I wrong to take the events of someone that has hurt and disappointed so many of us so many times to heart? Am I foolish to let myself get this upset when it feels so needed? Am I suckered by the maelstrom that is Ani once again? No, I love her because she is the maelstrom. The Dragon’s Fang to my Flame of Tar Valon. I made the right decision to take her into my life again. I made the right decision to let myself get angry that her child may be born in a prison.

I made the wrong decision in getting angry at Abby. I made the wrong decision in directing my anger at her in an online, public forum.

So mote it be.

You are a Dreamspeaker, caterer to the Spirit World
and protector of the most ancient ways.

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Journal Entry #3 – May 3rd – Teenagers
What is the hardest thing about being 13? Is it school pressure? Is it parent pressure? Is it peer pressure? Is it all of them combined. I’d have to say the hardest thing about being a teenager is school. I just made the transition from grade school to Junior High School. There are a lot more things to pressure a kid with. One of the new things is changing classes. You have to worry about getting to class on time. Another thing is switching from mostly female teachers to mostly male teachers. I think Switzer prepared me for Malow well. We didn’t have to change classes on our own, but we stayed with our class. So, during 4th-6th grades we “traveled” with our class. Getting back to the subject. Another hard thing about being a teenager is all the responsibility my parents cram me with. I babysit, so that gives me a heap of more responsibility to deal with. Another thing is all the bad ideas grown-ups get about teenagers. Not all teenagers deal and use drugs. Not all teenage girls get pregnant. A lot of teenagers are more responsible than some adults.

Thank you for all that replied to my rant about and .

I’d like to clarify.

The post was a rant, plain and simple.

• got herself into this, and deserves the court date and any punishment that comes from it.
• Of course could never have known about the pregnancy.
• Of course turning her life around is doubtful for any of us that have seen her repeatedly make decisions that have lead to this sort of thing.

THIS is what I’m ranting about:

• SEEMS (not for sure, just seems) to have purposefully waited until was out and would, in the unlikely event of reformation, be looking forward to dealing with future goals and putting the past into the past.
• The timing SEEMS to be designed to maliciously cultivate hopelessness, instead of just adding up the punishment in a timely manner.
• Despite intention, there is now a possibility of a child being born in prison.

All of this makes me irrationally angry and upset. Thank you for reading and adding your thoughts. And thanks for letting me clarify what’s in my head.

This was found for me by Seth:

http://www.paulgraham.com/nerds.html

“If I could go back and give my thirteen year old self some advice, the main thing I’d tell him would be to stick his head up and look around. I didn’t really grasp it at the time, but the whole world we lived in was as fake as a twinkie. Not just school, but the entire town. Why do people move to suburbia? To have kids! So no wonder it seemed boring and sterile. The whole place was a giant nursery, an artificial town created explicitly for the purpose of breeding children.

Where I grew up, it felt as if there was nowhere to go, and nothing to do. This was no accident. Suburbs are deliberately designed to exclude the outside world, because it contains things that could endanger children.”

• March, 2002 – does something very bad to and . assures me that charges have been filed.
• September, 2002 – gets out of prison from paroll violation. Warrant for previous action is missing. Seems to have never been filed.
• November, 2002 – stops drinking alcohol on a gut instinct.
• December, 2002 – (re)files charges with full knowledge that is out of jail. Warrant is issued.
• January, 2003 – discovers that she’s pregnant.
• February, 2003 – gets picked up for warrant after running a red light.

I am extremely angry at the purposeful and malicious waiting and re-filing that was involved here. If everything had been filed on time and properly, as had always insisted that she had, would have never been able to leave prison when she did. She would have been held until court dates. Period. She would not have the looming possibility of going to jail while pregnant, having a child in jail, etc, after she FINALLY turned her goddamn life around.

Petty, vindictive, malicious, worthless, lying, weak, pathetic, WASTE OF HUMAN FLESH! I don’t have the words for the rage and hate that I feel. I don’t have the words for the frustration that I feel, knowing that I will never be able to exact phsyical punishment for this action.

I just don’t have the words.