What is the value of distraction?
Add to it the stigma of education
and it is wondrous
or at least worthwhile
We are all struggling to catch up
know more
be the best
now that nothing’s being handed to us.
Fucking silver platter.
So we gather distractions around us
“tools of learning”
or will they be another machine
to play Solitaire on?
How can I push myself?
How do I bring myself to want this goal?
What would happen if I let go of the goal?
I am not surprised at
ladder-rung reproduction.
Nor am I disappointed, it gives me
something to do.
Maybe not the right thing to do
but a thing.
Oh, Draconis!
I’m not even sure I want this goal!
Detroit calls to me of its grime and grit
and potential
Lansing claws into me with bone talons
pleading, “don’t leave me!”
And I wail
angsty and goth-like
because I can’t make up my mind.
Oh, Tiamat!
Is this weakness the core of entropy?
“Not with a bang, but with a whimper,”
Have I been shown the ability to crumble
within myself
Time only brings more pain
it seems
more knuckling under
If I succumb utterly to you
am I learning
or
am I giving up?
Back from Ohio
Things left in the past
Unfulfilled not-quite-expectations
I am on the verge
of not sure about
releif or disappointment
My apartment is returning to
pseudo-comfort
worried about mirroring in this
Not bummed about anything
which is a mild surprise
considering unmet goals
Pleased with my car and
other mundane aspects of the trip
like money and food
I guess there’s always
a time when you say,
“okay, we’re done.”
I am buying one of these:
Yup. I’m buying a used iMac DV, Indigo, G3 450, DVD player, 312 megs of RAM, etc etc. It’ll be in my grubby paws by next Friday.
And I’ll still have enough money left over from my bonus to upgrade the shit out of my PC.
EVIL! MANSERVANT HECUBUS!!
Yup, I have another journal. So far, it’s been used exclusively for
I can deal with this job, because there is always the opportunity to get a better one.
I can deal with my financial situation, because I am working hard to improve it, and making amazing headway.
I can deal with my health, because I am working hard to improve it, and started going to the gym in my apartment complex yesterday. Three times a week is the plan.
I can deal with not having a finished degree, because I’m very, very close to getting back into school.
I can deal with being lonely because I have to.
In the end, I think that’s what eats at me and makes me very, very angry. Dealing.
What kith are you? Find out here.
So I come into our living room to put my boots on this morning and turn on the light. Woah! My brother is on the couch, and groggily greets me. We chat a little bit, and I let him know how my cow-orkers are asking about more Revenge of Terrible Tuesday. I love helping one of his projects take off. He crashed again, and I took off for work. Just kind of a surreal start to the day. That, and I feel totally awake.
I actually wrote snail mail yesterday. I’m going to send it out today. It’s to her.
I’m a few steps closer to going back to Michigan State University. The Religious Studies department is cool with me joining them with the overall goal of changing to the College of Engineering and the Department of Computer Science. I’m going to spring it on my parents as a surprise. :) Now, the only nagging worry is about the repeat credits. So I’ve emailed the Reliigous Studies department about having those reset, and am anxiously awaiting the response.
Lunch with Blodgett was, as always, tasty and surreal. Perfect combination for a Friday before my game.
I’m thinking of spending my bonus on a Mac laptop. GUI and BSD and Apple, oh my! Ok, that was dumb. It had to be done.
Hope my car passes the “drive to d-town test” since its repairs. We shall see!