Originally written on 13 February 2018

Notes:

How do I want to handle the “last” conversation between Susan and Nat? Nat will have done her homework, and tried to prepare for her journey as best she could, without worrying the police officers too much.

Adam’s not with them, and is likely still sleeping back at the apartment.

Susan is exhausted, even after a day’s sleep. She’s traumatized, much like her sister, and is barely keeping her cheese on her cracker. She knows that “losing” her sister is inevitable, at this point, but it doesn’t make any of this easier.

They’ll start just hugging, I think. Crying quietly. They’ll talk, sort of, about the demon. They’ll talk about what’s in store for each of them. Nat will reveal that she’s known about Susan’s other family, and urge her to leave. When they’re done talking, and Susan is leaving, she’ll turn back to say something, and Nat will be gone, along with the stuff.

Susan will stay upright, with the help of the wall, and then will head off to Yeong-Cheol.

Edits

• The coffee bar needs to change to the Wormhole in Wicker Park. That neighborhood fits who Susan wants to be like a glove.
• Car fire should be on the border of residential and industrial zones in the South or West side.
• Nat’s house should be in Edgewater.

With the rewrite finished, I’m back to the spot where I can start writing new goodness again. I need to do some re-ordering.

First, the phone call with the officer about Natalie clothes shopping for someone else needs to be moved later, much closer to where Susan has her last face-to-face with her sister. If not then, it needs to be right after the vampire vs. demon battle. Maybe then, so the tension about her sister is kept fresh. It doesn’t belong in the middle of Susan’s conversation with the scavengers, though. Also, moving it means that I don’t have to rush it.

Then there’s the battle itself. How do I work the transition between the conversation into the battle? Maybe I could have them knock Susan and Adam out and lock them in a room, then have them wake up mid-battle? How do you knock out a vampire? Well, it’s a place to start.

Did I have a reason for Susan to go and speak with/confront her creator? Other than displaying that she’s come into her own? I can’t for the life of me figure out why I put that in this chapter. Let’s not even mention the complication of writing a character that’s loosely based on someone else’s LARP character, when I was never super friendly with that someone. Better to remove that cameo entirely.

That also means that I won’t be splitting up the character party. Good Thing.

Written 23 July 2017

So, there’s a really jarring jump in the first chapter between Susan struggling with her thirst and Adam’s arrival. She just completely drops everything that’s been tormenting her because she loses herself in the bike. I give the shift a half of a sentence and that is just not enough.

It’s got to be more gradual. The forces in her need to duke it out. The thirst vs. The mesmerizing, this Sunday, SUNDAY, SUNDAY!!!

Instead of one defeating the other, they should be neck and neck when he sits down.

Originally written on 27 November 2016.

It’s time to page back through the current story to see where I’ve gone wrong. I’ve hit that point where a pause becomes a block, and nine times out of ten, it’s because I’ve taken things down the wrong path. I need to keep in mind that this isn’t an editing pass, but instead it’s a recon mission. Let’s go backwards.

First suspect is the most recent bit, after they come out of the coffee bar, having gotten the info they needed from Yeong-cheol. Susan’s rage and fear and protectiveness catch up with her, and she flips out on Adam.

That was the intent, anyway. I don’t think it came across that way. I do a lot of telling here, instead of showing. I’ve done that a lot throughout this first draft, and that’s all right, it’s allowed to suck.

Thing is, I know who Susan is. Yeong-cheol, for all of his borderline bullying, knows who she is. SUSAN knows who she is. She’s not questioning or discovering that, like Adam is. She’s not rediscovering it, like her sister is.

She’s made the choice to hold on to as much of her humanity as she is able to. She’s chosen to follow love, to follow her living family, knowing full well what the possible repercussions are. Her conflict comes from dealing with the end of things, and that she brought it about. It’s not Adam’s fault, it’s hers. He’s doing exactly what she asked him to do.

Her caretaking of her sister is coming to an end. Her connection to her living family, as a consequence of that, is coming to an end. Her obscurity among her “second family” is coming to an end. Her punishment is coming to an end.

Yes, these are definitely precursors to new beginnings, but it’d be bad to skim over the pain and learning that come with all of these endings. I should be focusing on them.

• Make sure the scavengers are not a monolithic group of stereotypes.
• Have a bunch of the scavengers go with Susan to back her up with her creator.
• During the first editing pass, focus on Susan knowing who she is, but allow her to still fear rejection.
• Do some more research into OCD.

Originally written on 29 September 2016.

The scavengers congregate outside the silos, masquerading as the gathered homeless. They spend the day inside, if they don’t have another hovel staked out as their personal territory. The silos have been patched with rusting metal and tar to keep out the sunlight, and the doors are barred from the inside to prevent intruders. They value their privacy, and are not kind to strangers.

These are the vampires who turned Cole. The gun had been taken east to the Mother and her brood (Two Vampires, What No Eye Has Seen), and then a raiding party took it back. The gun isn’t particularly precious to the scavengers, but you don’t steal from them and get away with it.

Because of the theft, they have hidden the gun in one of their caches scattered throughout the area. As reviled and scorned as they are, safe houses and supply drops are incredibly useful. After Adam and Susan help defend the silos from the demon, the scavengers reveal the gun’s location and tell them it’s theirs.

Several scavengers will be burnt by the demon as they attack it. Susan will eventually risk the Sight, and through the madness of the demon’s mind, she’ll discover that Walter brought it here from another “dimension.” Adam will be able to sense that tether, the one that’s keeping it there. He’ll sever it, snapping the creature back to its home and breaking its pact with Walter.

Walter’s already pissy from the CPD’s discovery of what he was up to, and he’ll be orders of magnitude angrier when the pact is broken. Will he sense it right away, or will he depend on a more mundane sign? The latter, I think.

Originally written on 25 July 2016, 29 July 2016, and 06 August 2016

Novella description/blurb

Adam wants you to know that he really, truly has no idea what’s going on. He’s just as freaked out as you are. One minute, you’re reading about him here, and the next, he’s standing right beside you. Something about him seems wrong, but those emerald eyes of his make everything seem okay. Do you even wonder how you know his name is Adam?

He’s impossible. No one can leap from the page. But there Adam stands, real as life. More real. He insists he’s just as confused, and his emerald eyes make him all the more believable. But, wait, he never said his name.

Julia called out to the pool hall’s regular. He waved, smiling for all he was worth. He had every right to be happy; Julia had saved him from a rabid werewolf last Tuesday. She grabbed a menu and set it on his usual table. She’d gotten this job after she drove off some angry ghosts for the owner. Julia was an accomplished witch, and really liked her little corner of Detroit. Then Coll brought in that gun, and everything fell apart.

Julia waved to the pool hall’s regular. He waved back, smiling for all he was worth. He had every right to be happy; she’d saved him from a rabid werewolf last Tuesday. She grabbed a menu and set it on his usual table. She’d driven off a couple of angry ghosts from the place, and the owner had given her this job. She was a pretty good witch, and really liked her little corner of Detroit. Then Coll brought in that gun, and everything fell apart.

Julia waved to the pool hall’s regular. He waved back, smiling for all he was worth. He had every right to be happy; she’d saved him from a rabid werewolf last Tuesday. She grabbed a menu and set it on his favorite table. A while ago, she’d driven off a couple of angry ghosts, and the owner had given her this job. She was a damn good witch, and really liked her corner of Detroit. Then Coll brought in that gun, and everything fell apart.

Julia waved to the regular as he walked in the door. He waved back, smiling for all he was worth. He had every right to be happy; she’d saved him from a rabid werewolf last Tuesday. She grabbed a menu and set it on his favorite table. She’d loved the pool hall long before she’d driven off a couple of angry ghosts, and landed the server gig. She loved her little corner of Detroit, and was a good enough witch to take care of it. Until Coll brought in that gun, and everything fell apart.

Julia waved to the regular as he walked in the door. He waved back, smiling for his worth. He had every right to be happy; with her help, he’d survived his first werewolf change. She grabbed a menu and set it on his favorite table. She winked at her boss as she picked up drinks for table three. Julia had cleared out a couple of angry ghosts, and the owner had given her this job. She loved her little corner of Detroit, and did what she could to take care of it. Then Coll brought in that gun, and everything fell apart.

FINAL VERSION

Julia waved to the regular as he walked in the door. He waved back, smiling for all he was worth. While he was picking a pool cue, she set a drink menu on his favorite table. Her boss waved her over to the bar.

“Listen, about those ghosts you cleared out…”

“Pat, don’t even worry about it. Happy to help.”

“Thanks. These drinks need to go to table three.”

Julia loved her little corner of Detroit, and did whatever she could to take care of it.

Then Coll walked in, right as her shift ended, with a look on his face she’d never seen before. He brought in that gun, and everything fell apart.

Originally written on 23 January 2016, 26 February 2016, and 7 March 2016

What am I trying to accomplish in the next chapter?

• Susan will unearth Walter’s search pattern, and use her ties and Sight to locate the gun.
• Nat will go shopping for clothes. For Grace. Her eyes will turn green. Officer Juan will chaperone, and will notice.
• As Susan and Adam approach the gun, and are negotiating with the scavenger vampires that have it, Susan is summoned to the one who turned her.
• They ready to leave the treasure behind, and are confronted by Walter’s demon.
• Vampire/Demon fight ensures.
• Adam eventually sends the demon back to its home, breaking the pact, and signaling Walter to his presence.

Questions that will need answering:

• How will Susan unearth Walter’s search pattern?
• Will Nat speak to Susan again before she disappears?
• Will Nat have a greater control over her slide out of the story?
• Should Adam get the gun so soon? Is it as soon as it feels?
• What, exactly, is Walter’s search pattern?
• How will he eventually find the scavenging vampires?
• How does Susan react to the scavengers?

Answers:

• Yeong-cheol doesn’t like debts. When Susan’s info proves reliable, despite its crazy, they meet so he can do something for her.
• Nat should show up again in the next chapter, and Susan should get to see her one last time.
• Walter knows he’s inside a story, and might even know details about the story, like genre. He won’t be surprised or taken aback by vampires, but he may not expect them, either.
• Walter is a researcher. His search pattern isn’t physical, it’s a paper trail of coincidence and unlikelihood that echo the Cavern’s influence upon the fictional world.
• The CPD has the reports filed by Nat’s partners, which had pieced together Walter’s trail, enough to find the demon. Yeong-cheol has someone in the CPD, and after discovering that they have the same info he does, he gets the reports to pay Susan back.
• When this is all laid out for her, Susan will have an additional appreciation for her sister’s brilliance. It’ll make her possible disappearance that much more painful.
• Do I switch POV for Nat’s shopping? I haven’t switched POV yet in three chapters, so there’s no established pattern. Will the work be long enough to begin switching POV in chapter 4, or is it too late? How else would I show that?
  • Officer Juan will call Susan and run down the experience of being asked to accompany Nat clothes shopping, and then helping her while she purchased several changes of clothes for someone who is a size sixteen.
  • This needs to come after the pattern is discovered, when she’s tweaking about Nat leaving.