Would it change us, for me to let her know?
Would it end this depression, this hurt and loathing
that I have inflicted on myself of late?

Would it drive her away, make her so nervous and
uncomfortable that she’d never want to see me again?
Would I lose her forever?

I doubt that there’s even a question.
It always pushes itself out of me.
It always demands to be known.

And I’m leaving her for a better job.
I’m leaving everyone that I know.
I’m leaving her.

This makes me nauseous.

I’ve been told I’m whining about how good my life is.
Sometimes, you just need to hear the words “don’t go”.

Now I’ve heard them said with meaning and feeling
Yes, I’m fragile and human enough to need that.

Visions of a loft apartment above a warehouse in
downtown Detroit beckon me to uncertainty.

And next to me, she says, “bring me my salad,
or I’ll kill you,” and I can’t help but grin.

I’ve had my interview, geek-talked for two
hours, and they still haven’t decided.

She asked me not to leave today, and it pushed
its way out of her like when I told Red that I loved her.

Of all the promises I’ve made to come up
on a regular basis, the one to her means the most.

God damn, I need a clove.

All my ties to this city have been neatly
cut
and tied off in bows.
My anger and rage bubble forth unctrollably
as I snap at people that I will
leave
without a second concern or moment’s thought.
It’s finally putting a name and a
finish
on the creeping alienation that I never knew I’d
started, let alone fed scraps to like a stray dog.
Money
and too much humiliation bring my fists to balls
and hasten my step out the door into the
city
that I never really knew I lived in.
There’s only one person that will keep a part of
me
in this place, and now she holds the title “friend”,
because it’s best for both of us.

I’ll cry before I leave.

Thump Thump Thump Thump Bump Bump Bump Bump

Bass
So thick it makes your sternum vibrate
I drift through memory, opening this book again
Infatuation from madness
Re-affirmation of faith through construction
Casting roles in my life.

Bah
I wave my hand, as if in dismissal
I feel so much more adult
Growing up I’ve done
Goals in mind that clutch at my brain
And someone who wants me solidly.

Smile
I am me, with or without her
Yet we’re more than her and I when
we smile from our eyes
Crystalline, infinite, cavernous
Someone has eyes like mine.

Bump Bump Bump Bump Thump Thump Thump Thump

I’m not a poet, she said
I can’t say pretty things, like that, she said.
I smiled at her, because she just had.

My inside-city is beautiful in its moonlight
And towers majestically in the noon sun
I wander its maze wearing a grin.

I am a large man, in shape and presence
I am a good man, in emotion and deed
I am a man, and knowing this grounds me.

My war hammer taps my leg as I walk
Aching to be used, now that it’s out.
I pat it fondly, my rage and anger.

I have found patience, in my heart.
I have found solace, in my city.
I have found myself, within myself.

My wings flex and stretch, yearning for flight
Achievement has always made me feel good
I fall off the cliff, laughing like a madman.

I got into work on time today.
Pleased?
Pounding pressure comes and goes.
I need sugar.

Coffee needs to brew.
Pop tarts toast slowly.
I wait for my deity,
also known as high fructose corn syrup.

Most of this energy will be stored.
I’m very good at that.
Enough will be used to lift that haze
of sleep.
At least, that’s what I hope.

Ahh, the sugar is good.
My tooth protests with satisfaction.
My eye has stopped bothering me.
The music pounds through the headphones.
I am smiling, sort of.

Comes too easily to me
beat thumping my sternum
mind grasping at grammar

I have the desire
to reach out to
someone who doesn’t yet know
me
and ask for help.

This is difficult.
Miiiiiiiiiiiind-bending
Makes me chuckle at one more
paradox.

I will not change who I am, for anyone.
Never again.
I will not pretend to be who I am not, for anyone.
Never again.
I will not get lost in a facet of myself, for anyone.
Never again.
I will never forget who I am, for anyone.
Never again.

I am strong.
I am honorable.
I am smart.
I am attractive.

Shit, Stuart Smalley ain’t got nothin’ on me.

I start this grand adventure with a smirk
and a hope.

Ear to ear, baby.
Hopefully it’s just starting;
this smile.

Don’t think I’m forgetting
smiles in other places
those are right next door
to my blood-pump.

I can feel that cog,
that gear of infinite probability,
click another few degrees
and send me spinning once again.

Samhain is coming
the leaves are changing
the chill wind blows
and I can’t help but smile.