We are disagreeing on how things happened. She says that we talked at length about the idea of her being able to sleep with people while we were separated. I don’t remember it like that.
I remember being in the shower, being afraid to broach the topic; being afraid to assert myself. She was on the can or at the sink, I don’t know. She was in the room. I told her that I had thought about the separation idea that she had mentioned the night before, and I had decided that if that’s what it took to save our marriage, then that was what we would do. I then asserted that I was not okay with her sleeping with people. She grew angry, and left to cool off.
The work day went by.
We were driving home from work, and were taking the Cedar/Pennsylvania exit off of I-496. I remember that detail clearly. She asked if I understood why what I’d said made her mad. I said no, because if she was defining who she was without the influence of other people, why would she need to sleep with other people? She would be being influenced by those people. This is when she said that it was an external restriction, and external restriction of any kind was not welcome.
This was all the reasoning that I had for our divorce up until Sunday. I was sitting in Denny’s, writing. This is when she told me how much fun she’s had since we’ve separated. This is when she told me how much she likes who she was before me, who she is now without me, compared to how she is with me. The impulsiveness, the brashness, the crazy, and the sleep deprivation. This is when that I learned that our divorce was no longer about sex, to put it bluntly.
She worries that I’m going to be up on my moral high horse, looking down at her, and telling everyone that that’s what this is about. I told her that until Sunday, that was what we were getting divorced over.
It didn’t take her three months or six months to decide that she didn’t want to be around me any more. Took just around one. Almost sounds like her mind was made up from the start, but that’s a paranoid direction that I want to avoid.
I am starting to feel so tired about all of this. My blood family knows, and that is an incredible weight off of my shoulders, instead of a frightening ordeal. I knew that it would be, but I always have that irrational fear. They have my back, and want me to be happy, which should have always been obvious. I guessed wrong on which parent would be the angry protector, and which would be more focused on consoling and healing.
I love them, you know. My whole family. Blood, or not.
I told Dad that I have no doubt whether I will survive this. That is a given. I just need to make sure to experience this, and to deal with it. I will add to that, now. I need to deal with this without fear. I need to deal with this as a whole person, a full and responsible person. There is a lot of fear involved, and there is a lot of uncertainty. But I will survive.
If I’m to be in a holding pattern for a little while longer, I might as well just circle and enjoy the sights.
