Whenever I tried to look
my eyes slowly rolled
the image caught up
and the focus slowly came.
My rage boiled to the surface
and was gone again
blink of an eye, they’d say
my eyes were too slow for that
Had to make sure
I was stable
before I told my body
to walk
I was too slow.
I used to lay back in that
feeling
when it washed over me.
It made me smile
I was almost someone else.
I felt myself lay back again
it felt filthy
drowning in sludge
but I could not get back up.
Trying to capture the waves
of intensity that
careened
into and through me
when she wasn’t here
The question of the
why
won’t leave me alone.
It pesters me,
gnawing on a bit of me
until I bat it away.
The alcohol has quenched
the TV static
but that is no way
to solve this puzzle.
This morning, there’s a fog in my mind
could be a lot of things
can’t seem to find my way through it
no lights to speak of.
Today, there’s a dull ache floating behind my eyes
the aspirin refuses to kick in
wonder why I don’t feel bad for making myself
retarded last night.
Now, there’s fewer questions in my mind
at least the ones that I can see
that should lift weight off my shoulders
but I crave a fix.
Last night, the Game returned to me
I should feel terrified and angry
I only feel sad and resigned
I hate winning sometimes.
Welcome home, bitterness.
Welcome home, sadness.
Welcome home, loneliness.
Welcome home, spite.
Now, I am more than I ever was before
I am more aware of myself
My boundaries are pushed, my limits re-defined
I am reborn once again.
Soon, those that include me in their world
will notice and question
Why do you sneer at the world
Why do you snap at us so often?
When they ask, I will answer with honesty
I am disappointed again
I feel shallow, hollow, and flat.
I feel cold inside.
I wait impatiently for the phone to ring.
I have made my bed.
I have cleaned my room.
I have watched a movie.
I have finished reading my book.
I have brushed my teeth.
I have swished mouthwash.
I have shaven.
I am waiting again.
Impatiently.
Though the time for waiting has just begun.
I wonder what might happen tonight.
I’ve stopped planning.
I’ve stopped predicting.
I’ve stopped fearing.
I feel so calm.
Me too.
Over and over again
How much of me in you
How much of you in me
I can never remember
the faces
Voices are always clear
Smells take me through time
I see your face clearly.
I attempt to get close
and you shrink away
frightened?
Uncomfortable?
I’ve done the same
didn’t even notice until
they told me.
Do you notice?
Should I tell you?
I must add a note
I would never
take advantage
even if I desired you
above all
my offer for you
to shower
was simply an offer
to be clean.
Fitful sleep brings waking dreams.
Dreams of what I think I want.
Love for all of life.
Intimacy unbound.
An actress I know, and wish to know.
A role I need filled in my movie.
Who am I to cast?
Who am I to direct?
My mind hurts from predicting scenes.
My jaw hurts from clenching teeth.
I want the role filled.
I need a companion.
But I must wait. Go with the flow.
Don’t push too hard. But don’t wait too long.
I must have balance.
I must have calm.