Trying to capture the waves
of intensity that
careened
into and through me
when she wasn’t here

The question of the
why
won’t leave me alone.
It pesters me,
gnawing on a bit of me
until I bat it away.

The alcohol has quenched
the TV static
but that is no way
to solve this puzzle.

Floating to the surface
this memory of you
lying on my chest

The time since I felt that last
seems infinite.

Yet you always ended up
facing away from me.
Facing inward
wondering about your fear.

We did not sleep that night.
Once again,
you felt yourself slip
out of control.

Just like when you kissed me
so hard
so thrilling

I do not believe you
when you chant
“I do not need that.
I am so very different.”

You hate that you need
what may give you what you want
or what may destroy you.

We both think too much
but I’m not going anywhere
and I have chosen you.
—
Floating to the surface
this memory of you
calling me devious.

I distract you
and I distract myself
truths that I run from
truths that I run to

It all seems so complex
when I think
so many influences
pushing us both

What I feel is simple
and so very large
that it may crush me
grind me to dust

So easy to lose myself
in the beauty of your skin
as a bull-fighting vampire
I am transfixed and quiet.

So easy to lose myself
in the heat that flows
when I pull up your shirt
and rest my hand on your stomach.

No longer.
I find myself pledging once more.
My kisses are honest
My touch plain.

When I touch you now
you may feel that simple feeling
that threatens to crush me.
I will not fail myself.
—
Floating to the surface
this memory of you
pulling me up from sleep.

I claimed a right
to push you
and your anger
lashed at me

I bathed in this fire
while the fog
would not clear
from my mind.

Again, there was no filter
you must delight in the
childish honesty

I meant what I said
when I claimed that right
I meant what I said
when I confessed my love

I mean it all
even when it contradicts
I mean it all
—
Floating to the surface
this memory of you
listening to my tears

I can barely hold
this pencil
my hand is shaking

I have run
because of this
I have been angry
because of this
I have cried
because of this
I have forgiven
because of this

I may be broken
because of this
I may be shattered
because of this

But love can never
destroy me.
—
Floating to the surface
this memory of you
confessing to me.

You have told me
that to speak makes you happy
as your touch makes me happy

We should
talk and touch
and be happy.

This morning, there’s a fog in my mind
could be a lot of things
can’t seem to find my way through it
no lights to speak of.

Today, there’s a dull ache floating behind my eyes
the aspirin refuses to kick in
wonder why I don’t feel bad for making myself
retarded last night.

Now, there’s fewer questions in my mind
at least the ones that I can see
that should lift weight off my shoulders
but I crave a fix.

Last night, the Game returned to me
I should feel terrified and angry
I only feel sad and resigned
I hate winning sometimes.

Welcome home, bitterness.
Welcome home, sadness.
Welcome home, loneliness.
Welcome home, spite.

Now, I am more than I ever was before
I am more aware of myself
My boundaries are pushed, my limits re-defined
I am reborn once again.

Soon, those that include me in their world
will notice and question
Why do you sneer at the world
Why do you snap at us so often?

When they ask, I will answer with honesty
I am disappointed again
I feel shallow, hollow, and flat.
I feel cold inside.

I wait impatiently for the phone to ring.
I have made my bed.
I have cleaned my room.
I have watched a movie.
I have finished reading my book.
I have brushed my teeth.
I have swished mouthwash.
I have shaven.

I am waiting again.
Impatiently.
Though the time for waiting has just begun.

I wonder what might happen tonight.
I’ve stopped planning.
I’ve stopped predicting.
I’ve stopped fearing.
I feel so calm.

Me too.
Over and over again
How much of me in you
How much of you in me

I can never remember
the faces
Voices are always clear
Smells take me through time
I see your face clearly.

I attempt to get close
and you shrink away
frightened?
Uncomfortable?

I’ve done the same
didn’t even notice until
they told me.
Do you notice?
Should I tell you?

I must add a note
I would never
take advantage
even if I desired you
above all
my offer for you
to shower
was simply an offer
to be clean.

Fitful sleep brings waking dreams.
Dreams of what I think I want.
Love for all of life.
Intimacy unbound.

An actress I know, and wish to know.
A role I need filled in my movie.
Who am I to cast?
Who am I to direct?

My mind hurts from predicting scenes.
My jaw hurts from clenching teeth.
I want the role filled.
I need a companion.

But I must wait. Go with the flow.
Don’t push too hard. But don’t wait too long.
I must have balance.
I must have calm.