Monthly Archives: November 2007

On being a coward.

Posted on by

I feel like a coward. There are those that I need to, want to, ask to untie their knots, but I find myself looking for the “best time.” Or I avoid doing it while they’re at work, because they don’t deserve having their faith in she and I destroyed in front of co-workers.

I feel like I’m avoiding it. I feel like I’m being a coward again, when these are the obvious next steps to moving forward. Being back in the city will make it easier, but nothing is going to make this easy. It shouldn’t be easy. It was designed not to be easy, so that the marriage could not end lightly.

That’s why the knots were put there in the first place.

I want to move on from this. I want to heal. I want not to be broken.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged

Netflix Reviews

Posted on by

This movie was a big old bowl of Whiskey Tango Foxtrot. And I mean that in a good way. For the first half of the movie, I was just embarassed for every single character. As it went on, it felt like somebody had secretly replaced my brain with Folger’s Crystals to see if I’d notice. When I finished watching the thing, I sat there, staring at the credits for a while. It took a day or so to fully digest how I felt about it, and then I realized… this is what happens for the few months before every single CSI episode. There was evidence to incriminate all involved, whether they were guilty or not. And yet, the victim was so happy. Just… my brain bleeds, and in such a good way, when I think about this movie.

I was not expecting anything but a straightforward bank robbery/hostage movie when I popped this one in the DVD player. I was a tad surprised when I witnessed the politics, backstabbing, and back and forth that I’d expect to see at a well-run and well-played Vampire LARP. I’ve never really been big into Spike Lee movies, and perhaps I just needed a push in the right direction. Also, the nods toward noir and Dick Tracy style were beautiful. Definitely an entertaining cop movie.

Horoscope

Posted on by

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): During the lead up to Pennsylvania’s election of a U.S. Senator in 2006, the leftist Green Party in Pennsylvania tried hard to get its candidate on the ballot. Facing almost insurmountable odds to raise the necessary funds, it turned to an unlikely source: conservative Republicans, who gladly and fiendishly contributed money in the hope that the Green Party’s nominee would siphon votes away from their far more viable competitor, the Democratic candidate. I expect you may be able to pull off a similar coup in the coming weeks, Taurus: getting an adversary or opponent to aid and abet your cause.

Doing what I want, for me.

Posted on by

*sigh* I have been avoiding writing posts for this blog, I think.

I did not want to live in California. I do not want that. It didn’t take me long, once I was out there, to figure it out. I woke up from what felt like a years-long sleep, and knew that I wanted to come back to Michigan. And so, I’m back.

And I’m going back to the city that I built my life in. I’m going back to the city in which she and her family live. I’m not going back to my old job, so I won’t have daily interaction, but I am going back there. Because I want to live there. I want to write there. I want to be there.

So I’m going to. I have a job. I have a better job than when I left. I’m trying to find an apartment. And I’m moving on from the marriage. From the relationship. I’m stripping away layers of self-programming that were needed to live with her, and to be with her. I’m breaking down walls that I’ve set up to protect myself. And once again, my friends are helping me out.

I now know that I would not go back to her, if she asked. I’m done.

For six months, I was convinced that she and I would not work out as a couple. I was adamant that we would remain only friends. Eventually, I said that she had the qualities of the person I’d always said I wanted to be with long term, and compared to the women I’d been chasing, she did. So I decided to try and date her, to see how things went. Somewhere between that October 31, and the next one, when I proposed, I decided that I loved her. I don’t know that I ever fell in love with her, and I am beginning to suspect that I convinced myself I was in love with her, so that I would be safe from the crazy of what I’d been chasing.

Safe from the crazy. You heard me right.

The love wasn’t any less real for its beginnings. It was true, and the loss of its return is still painful. But to go back to her would make me miserable, and I’m no longer willing to accept that.

There were a lot of steps taken to get here, and so this may not be as coherent as I’d like. After some serious prodding, I’ve decided to resume posting here, and maybe after more posts come out of my brainmeats, this entry will make more sense. As always, feel free to comment.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged

Horoscope

Posted on by

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Moths, hummingbirds, and bats love to drink the nectar that flowers offer. In return, these pollinators are expected to get some pollen stuck on their bodies and carry it away to fertilize other plants. While the nectar is tasty, it’s usually not pure sweetness. If it were, the first pollinator to come along would suck it all dry, leaving nothing for further visitors. And that wouldn’t be good from the plant’s point of view, because it would limit the number of places where its pollen would be disseminated. To keep nectar-drinking sessions short, therefore, most plants include just a touch of bitterness in the blend. Regard this entire scenario as a useful metaphor for you to keep in mind during the coming weeks, Taurus.