In the midst of fulfilling asshole quota
I blurt out what I’ve been trying to say all night
Her expression shifted
radically

In an instant
from indignant rage at my gall
to concern at my frustration
and then understanding.

Lack of lengthy temporal existence
brings forth negative emotional response
in the form of frustration, anger, and rage
within an intelligent young woman.

Sometimes, without knowing, I grate my teeth.
My jaw muscles hurt from the pressure.

it seems that i opened that case
so long ago
and that so much has changed
and happened
since then

things are less clear and more focused
shorter temporal span
in my outlook of ages upon my world
which throbs
and undulates

sometimes i need to tear out my hair
scream out loud
why am i so fucking stupid when i think
considering the rationally
repugnant

all i want
all i want
is lasting quiet
is a lifelong mate

maybe it’s too much for the world to bear
my succeeding.

I want
Something is nagging and
Gnawing at my brain, chewing and
Savoring each little thought
I want

I crave
Intangible, ethereal, slipping through my
Grasping fingers, short for a man, but wrinkled
And stronger than most hands
I crave

I search
Wandering the alleys of bookshelves
In my brain, wandering between the tracks
Of the subway that flies
I search

I question
Old and new things twist in the light
So I can see all the angles
And figure out what and why and how
I question

I ponder
Feeling the breath of life
Artificial and natural
Waft over me and embrace me
I ponder

I sway
Letting my own thoughts and feelings buffet me
Back and forth, smiling as they fight
So vehemently
I sway

I land
My feet feeling and embracing
The cool and mother earth
I am stable, and ready
I land

I have the desire to bathe in all that would
Affront you
Insult you
Disgust you
Drive you away
Question all the good things you’ve said about me.

I have the desire to destroy something beautiful
Tear it apart
Rend it limb from limb
Shatter it
Crush it
Bend it
Fuck it up beyond all comprehensible recognition.

I have the desire to intentionally hurt someone’s feelings
Humiliate
Depreciate
Belittle
Embarrass
Destroy their reputation to those that mean the most.

I will never act on these desires.
I will voice them, and attempt to heal my wounds.
I will bow my head, for I have tied my own hands behind my back.

If you must be a candle
And if I must light your wick
I will enjoy your flame
I will lose my thought in it
And know only feeling
My heart will beat in tune
With your flame’s dance.

And when you have finished burning
When your wick goes out
I will plead with Draconis to fashion a mold
I will plead with Tiamat for a wick with life
I will take your old wax
I will ask those you know
For pieces of their wax
I will take from myself
As much wax as I can give

And we will melt it all together
We will hang the wick in the mold
We will pour the wax
We will let the new candle cool
And we will light it again.

And we will expect the same of you.

I should shut my mouth
My compliments are open-handed slaps

I should close my eyes
My gaze is as a lecherous priest

I should cover my ears
Everything I hear hits me like a mack truck

I should cut my hands at the wrist
My touch is a pestilence to those I love

I am disgusting.

Why do you look at me
with that expectation in your eyes?
Why do you stare at me
like you’re waiting for me to do something brilliant?
Why do you insist that I love myself?

Go away!
Leave me the fuck alone!
I don’t want your damn compliments.
I don’t want your pseudo-compassion.

Now look what you’ve made me do.
I’ve written this trash
this absolute crap
that will mar this web page
electronic media
and will be read
by all of those close to me

It is disgusting.

I don’t write this for you
whoever you are that is reading this
This isn’t about you.

My world is a mirror
shattered through with cracks
pressed together just right
there are no lines
the reflection is perfect

They have begun to grind
these shards
press against each other
and gap apart
the noise sounds like
my teeth pressed too hard together

I no longer can tell
which is important
which is trivial
everything seems to loom
with importance
and fall to the floor
with triviality

I can brush it away with the back of my hand
at the same time I am crushed with its magnitude
Every decision weighs on my shoulders,
yet doesn’t matter for shit

The duality tears me apart
laughable, I could lay back and read a book
so urgent that it must be dealt with this instant
The decision to decide or not has me pulling out my hair

I need to let go soon
I need to let go of what I grip so tightly
I need to let go or I will go mad
I need to let go or I will go sane
I need to let go.

Whenever I tried to look
my eyes slowly rolled
the image caught up
and the focus slowly came.

My rage boiled to the surface
and was gone again
blink of an eye, they’d say
my eyes were too slow for that

Had to make sure
I was stable
before I told my body
to walk

I was too slow.

I used to lay back in that
feeling
when it washed over me.
It made me smile
I was almost someone else.

I felt myself lay back again
it felt filthy
drowning in sludge
but I could not get back up.