For The Remembrance, from 15 March.

The first half of the chapter works just as I want is as a journal, recounting events of the past. The second half works just as I want it as normal narrative fiction. I had accidentally transitioned from one to the other while writing it. I didn’t notice the problem until it was pointed out to me. I made a half-ass attempt to shoehorn the second half into journal format, but it was lame and the end result was terrible. Now I’m left with a broken first chapter of the Remembrance – again – and a question. What now?

I could trash the second half and rewrite it. From scratch. I very much do not want to do this.

I could trash the first half and rewrite it. From scratch. I very much do not want to do this.

I could create a framework for the chapter that allows for the first half to be journal and the second half to be narrative. That seems clumsy, and a little bit like lazy writing, but I’m not sure that there’s another option, save from giving up on the book.

Chapter 2 moves in and out of journal mode fairly successfully (despite all of the red ink that Nikki is spraying on its pages), but its model seems significantly different. The opening of Chapter 1 has Jason writing in a journal trying to make sense of what’s going on around him. Could he reach a point in the story where he concludes the effort, or gives up on it, and then the story progresses as normal fiction?

If he could, the point would have to be after he buries his mother, before he heads back to the asylum. I would have to change some time references in the first half, and then add a short bit about what he does with the journal once he’s done writing in it.

Nikki immediately liked this idea, which is only a little terrifying. She suggested the same spot to make the break. So, that’d be it.

What would he do with the journal? Will it be like Herod’s old letter, stuffed in the mailbox? Or would he leave it on the porch? Would he take it with him, to keep safe in case he needed to write in it again? Or would he just want to keep the record of those thoughts safe?

Would he operate on instinct, grabbing it and putting it in his coat without thinking?

Worldbuilding for the Glass Crown, from 1 February.

Where are all these Workers coming from?

Nikki thinks that there are groups of Workers living out in other areas of Gary, and not just underneath the Five Fingers.  She says that they’d need to be on the outskirts of the city, even if it’s not yet converted, to drive off bands of animals. I would guess to assimilate or drive off wandering people, as well. With the push to abandon aboveground to give the sunlight to the farm, they’d only move underground if and when their local area gets converted. Otherwise, they’d use abandoned housing projects or apartment buildings – if any are still standing. She says that this would explain the waves of attacks, as more Workers make it in from further reaches of the city.

I can see that.

But how are they so well organized? They’ve all spent years having their will completely given over to the Body. Suddenly, they’re in control of themselves, save for the directive to stop the outsiders from leaving at all costs. How did they communicate well enough to organized the trap outside of the restaurant? Beyond communication, how are they practicing enough independent thought to operate several squads of Workers to close the trap?

Does the Crown return creative and independent thinking back to some of the Workers? After the machinations of the Right Hand and the betrayal of the Left Hand, likely not. In fact, he’s in physical agony and has been betrayed by his closest assistants. The trap would never have happened, instead it would be wave after wave of Workers gunning for them, wandering the city with single-minded purpose.

That scene will have to be rewritten, and everything after it.

Why hasn’t anyone from the group gotten shot? They’ve all been in enough battle that one of them should at least gotten winged, if not received a through-and-through gun shot wound. I’m not saying that it needs to be fatal, or even life-threatening, but the lack of bleeding is getting a mite bit unrealistic, even for a fantasy novel.

There’s no good reason that no one’s been shot. So, at least one of them needs to bleed. Robin, the helpless one, is a good bet. Though that might make her even more angsty about being a drain on the group. She might not be the best choice after all, I guess.

If Caroline gets shot, it’ll be all “Oh no, everyone panic and fuss over Caroline again!” Bleh. That already happens enough. Nikki says that Caroline getting shot can be used to strengthen her character, and add a physical aspect to the spiritual and psychological trials that she’s already survived. “You need to toughen that wimpy bitch up.” Getting shot, getting up, and giving everyone the Glare of Doom will further show how far she’s come. She’s not suggesting that Caroline shrug it off. She’s saying that Caroline needs to show some of the steel that Fierce saw when she gave her the dagger. Show some of what Madness is so afraid of that he’d try to kill her. “If she’s gonna stand up to the Rebuilder, she needs to be strong. If she’s gonna just leave, she can’t be weak.” That might just be fun to write.

I’m also thinking that the Right Hand should get hit. He should have a wound that requires him to have help to get into the restaurant, and will show that he can be hurt. Hang a lantern on it, have him all shocked about it. “I’ll be damned. I can be hurt.”

Worldbuilding for the Glass Crown, from 25 January.

How would Nemesis shift from winged man to dragon? He’s been gravely insulted, and is irritated beyond reason. I wouldn’t say he’s enraged. It’s not a fire, but a cold anger. Okay, let’s go step by step.

When Herod causes Nemesis to shift for the first time, it’s described as a pushing out. His senses expand, his body expands, his power expands. But this isn’t being written from his point of view, it’s being written from outside.

He’s surrounded by “mortals,” too. He wouldn’t want to squish Caroline’s friends, no matter how pissy he’s gotten. So, he’d jump up as he shifts, expanding in the space above the group. Everyone will instinctively crouch, because of the eardrum-popping roar that he’ll make as he shifts. Everyone except for the Left Hand.

She’ll begin to shift on the ground, and that needs to be described from the point of view of a terrified Robin, in detail. She’ll launch herself into the air to pursue Nemesis, bellowing her own roar in response to the Harbinger’s challenge. More with the ringing ears, because that’s just what the group needed.

What will the energy of that shifting do for/to Caroline? She is so drained by everything that she’s been through and everything that she’s pulled off that she can only stand upright with difficulty. The surge of Dragon City energy around her is like getting hit with a lightning bolt. Sure, it’ll recharge her batteries, but it’ll happen way too fast, and it’ll keep going. She’ll get overloaded and then pass out.

Nikki thinks that this should be able to be seen visually, like a glowing aura, instead of bringing the cheese with the smoking hair.

Argh, there’s no precedent in this book or the last for energy influencing like this. Why am I worrying about this now? Because I have the Harbinger’s change triggering the Green’s change. There’s something broken in that. Her Guardian essence is locked away inside the Remembrance. She should not be able to shift into dragon form. I had the energy hitting Caroline, because it should hit her if it hit the Green.

Fundamental reassessment:

The Green should not fully shift when Nemesis does. Her body should start, but fail, and she should collapse as a backlash.

Thanks, Nikki.

Caroline should drop to a knee. She and Chuck should help each other into the restaurant, and the Right Hand should carry the Left in, with Robin taking up the rear in case anyone needs help.